Laughter is often the first response when I share with others that I “date” other men, but they soon realize that I am serious.  I have developed deep, intimate, tell all relationships with several men in my life, and it has transformed my marriage, my parenting, and my life.  It is a fundamental piece of being fully alive.

How do you do this?

1. First: Finding the right man for you.  What does this future confidant look like? 

a. CHEMISTRY: We all know that there are certain people that we have ‘chemistry’ with.  There are some guys that you know that you really enjoy their company, and their personalities mesh with yours.  How do you find them? You have to get involved! Go to men’s group!

b. VOLUNTERABILITY: It takes stepping out–moving beyond your comfort zone and removing your mask.  This is the toughest step.  It will take time to break down the walls that we as men construct to keep everyone away.  You have to start with small forays into sharing a little carve out of your struggles and pains to see how it goes.  If you find the right guy, he will respond in kind, and you both will continue to grow deeper in your friendship.

c. TRUST: You have to set up a wall around your relationship with this guy.  Once you establish that this may be the right guy, and you have started the process of volunterability.  You will need at some point to establish boundaries to protect your ‘secrets’.  This is a verbal agreement to keep what you each share confidential.

2. Second: What do you do with the right guy?

a. TIME: You have to carve out the time to meet.  It is essential that you have an agreement to meet weekly or biweekly.  I have also developed a habit of calling (yes often daily) to check in and catch up when I can’t meet that week or so.

b. TALK: What usually happens when you have the time to meet or talk on the phone? Men talk about…..NOTHING! The weather, sports, etc.  STOP! I need to intentially STOP, and get on subject.  This is key because I STILL do this with my confidants! I find that we have burned through the time we have together by talking about nothing substantial.  Don’t get me wrong, these topics are fun and important commaradirie…BUT it is just what they say it is: SMALL talk.  The BIG talk must be done, and it can be hard work.  Ask and Listen.  How is your marriage going? What was the last fight about with your bride? How are each of your kids? How are you doing with your struggles? etc.

3. Third: Why?

Deep, intimate fellowship with a brother WILL transform your life! It will make you a better husband, father, friend, co-worker, and ‘little’ Christ.

A friend sent me a link to an entry on his blog that describes the importance and power of joining a group of men: “Some Honest Men”  

Try it! And let us know your thoughts.