It finally happened. They found me.  I wasn’t hard to find although I have been missing since I was a little boy.  They knew me when I was ‘in my prime’ or so they say.  I abandoned them once as I transitioned into a different social group.  I was added to their brief email banter just prior to our 20th college reunion.

I am no different than all the rest.  Men don’t do relationships well.  We lack the gene or we are raised within environments that continue to perpetuate the small talk training, distant/missing father figure woundedness that continues the cycle.

Although my dad and I have been through counseling together (shocking, awkward, and painful–really you should try it) and connected in deeper ways (yes, we even hug, at times!), it still amazes me how quickly we fall into small talk going on and on with the safe, meaningless discussions of the weather as if there is any weather to talk about in Southern California.

My freshman roommate had found my email and folded it into the rest of my dormmates email list to reunite just prior to the reunion.  I faded from their lives while I was still in college when I joined a fraternity, and since college, I have faded from my fraternity fellows as well.

Have I learned how to relate.  Not much.  Do any of us?  2 of my closest friends know when my relationship receptors have maxed out.  One of them will even cut our conversation short and say, “I’ll call you later.” (knowing that I have shut down and tuned out).  My other friend asks, “Is the turtle’s head out of his shell today or not.” (funny and sad)

Most men really do live alone.  Yes we are married with kids, co-workers, and a few buddies, but we are still alone with no one to share our fears and hopes.  I can share story after story of men who have told me that they are ‘buddies’ or ‘close friends’ or ‘best friends’ and who are convinced that they know each other well.  But with some deeper sharing time, I find that they don’t REALLY know each other at all.  This is no fault of their own.  It is in our genes and from our environment, our upbringing.  We major in the minors of small talk–sports, weather, politics, etc.

If there is anything that I have learned over 20 years, it is simply that I don’t do relationships well.

About 10 years ago, I took a risk and stepped out with my wife and shared with her my final ‘skeleton’ in my closet of secrets, and our marriage has been transformed from good to truly amazing.

About 7 years ago, I took a risk and stepped out with a friend of mine and shared some of my deepest hopes and fears, and he didn’t laugh or run away, and our relationship is now one of those unique, transformational relationships: you can turn to in time of crisis, tell ALL, and share ALL.

About 5 years ago, I took a risk and slowly developed another transformational relationship with another friend.

About 3 years ago, I went to counseling during a crisis time in my life.  It was awkward, stressful, but important.  I learned a great deal about myself, and how I was ‘trained’ to disconnect, never to show emotions or need to be connected.  But in a time of crisis, I found the importance of my wife and my friends–thank God that I had developed those deep, intimate relationships!  “Emotions are a window to reality.” At least that is what my counselor told me.  I am still working to understand that reality.

Do I know anything about relationships? Not really.  But I am so thankful that I took risks.  My relationships with my wife and my 2 ‘best friends’ continue to grow—far too slow for them–but for the turtle–they are moving at just the right speed.

Regrets? A few. Learnings? Yes. Hopes? That my friends would take risks, do the hard work, lean into their relationships–in the end–it is ALL that matters, and when the going gets tough (as I have learned it WILL), there is nothing like a friend and a wife who are by your side laughing and crying with you.

Advice. Be more vulnerable, take more sharing risks, take the time to develop your marriage (it is HARD work, and easier to go to work for many of us…but it is worth it–this I DO know.) and find a friend who you can relate to and start to do the tough, awkward work to develop a true relationship.