Placebos are VERY effective: Why? from Wired Magazine

Placebos Are Getting More Effective. Drugmakers Are Desperate to Know Why.

By Steve Silberman08.24.09

Photo: Nick Veasey

Merck was in trouble. In 2002, the pharmaceutical giant was falling behind its rivals in sales. Even worse, patents on five blockbuster drugs were about to expire, which would allow cheaper generics to flood the market. The company hadn’t introduced a truly new product in three years, and its stock price was plummeting.

In interviews with the press, Edward Scolnick, Merck’s research director, laid out his battle plan to restore the firm to preeminence. Key to his strategy was expanding the company’s reach into the antidepressant market, where Merck had lagged while competitors like Pfizer and GlaxoSmithKline created some of the best-selling drugs in the world. “To remain dominant in the future,” he told Forbes, “we need to dominate the central nervous system.”

His plan hinged on the success of an experimental antidepressant codenamed MK-869. Still in clinical trials, it looked like every pharma executive’s dream: a new kind of medication that exploited brain chemistry in innovative ways to promote feelings of well-being. The drug tested brilliantly early on, with minimal side effects, and Merck touted its game-changing potential at a meeting of 300 securities analysts.

Behind the scenes, however, MK-869 was starting to unravel. True, many test subjects treated with the medication felt their hopelessness and anxiety lift. But so did nearly the same number who took a placebo, a look-alike pill made of milk sugar or another inert substance given to groups of volunteers in clinical trials to gauge how much more effective the real drug is by comparison. The fact that taking a faux drug can powerfully improve some people’s health—the so-called placebo effect—has long been considered an embarrassment to the serious practice of pharmacology.

Ultimately, Merck’s foray into the antidepressant market failed. In subsequent tests, MK-869 turned out to be no more effective than a placebo. In the jargon of the industry, the trials crossed the futility boundary.

MK-869 wasn’t the only highly anticipated medical breakthrough to be undone in recent years by the placebo effect. From 2001 to 2006, the percentage of new products cut from development after Phase II clinical trials, when drugs are first tested against placebo, rose by 20 percent. The failure rate in more extensive Phase III trials increased by 11 percent, mainly due to surprisingly poor showings against placebo. Despite historic levels of industry investment in R&D, the US Food and Drug Administration approved only 19 first-of-their-kind remedies in 2007—the fewest since 1983—and just 24 in 2008. Half of all drugs that fail in late-stage trials drop out of the pipeline due to their inability to beat sugar pills.

The upshot is fewer new medicines available to ailing patients and more financial woes for the beleaguered pharmaceutical industry. Last November, a new type of gene therapy for Parkinson’s disease, championed by the Michael J. Fox Foundation, was abruptly withdrawn from Phase II trials after unexpectedly tanking against placebo. A stem-cell startup called Osiris Therapeutics got a drubbing on Wall Street in March, when it suspended trials of its pill for Crohn’s disease, an intestinal ailment, citing an “unusually high” response to placebo. Two days later, Eli Lilly broke off testing of a much-touted new drug for schizophrenia when volunteers showed double the expected level of placebo response.

It’s not only trials of new drugs that are crossing the futility boundary. Some products that have been on the market for decades, like Prozac, are faltering in more recent follow-up tests. In many cases, these are the compounds that, in the late ’90s, made Big Pharma more profitable than Big Oil. But if these same drugs were vetted now, the FDA might not approve some of them. Two comprehensive analyses of antidepressant trials have uncovered a dramatic increase in placebo response since the 1980s. One estimated that the so-called effect size (a measure of statistical significance) in placebo groups had nearly doubled over that time.

It’s not that the old meds are getting weaker, drug developers say. It’s as if the placebo effect is somehow getting stronger.

The fact that an increasing number of medications are unable to beat sugar pills has thrown the industry into crisis. The stakes could hardly be higher. In today’s economy, the fate of a long-established company can hang on the outcome of a handful of tests.

Why are inert pills suddenly overwhelming promising new drugs and established medicines alike? The reasons are only just beginning to be understood. A network of independent researchers is doggedly uncovering the inner workings—and potential therapeutic applications—of the placebo effect. At the same time, drugmakers are realizing they need to fully understand the mechanisms behind it so they can design trials that differentiate more clearly between the beneficial effects of their products and the body’s innate ability to heal itself. A special task force of the Foundation for the National Institutes of Health is seeking to stem the crisis by quietly undertaking one of the most ambitious data-sharing efforts in the history of the drug industry. After decades in the jungles of fringe science, the placebo effect has become the elephant in the boardroom.

The roots of the placebo problem can be traced to a lie told by an Army nurse during World War II as Allied forces stormed the beaches of southern Italy. The nurse was assisting an anesthetist named Henry Beecher, who was tending to US troops under heavy German bombardment. When the morphine supply ran low, the nurse assured a wounded soldier that he was getting a shot of potent painkiller, though her syringe contained only salt water. Amazingly, the bogus injection relieved the soldier’s agony and prevented the onset of shock.

Returning to his post at Harvard after the war, Beecher became one of the nation’s leading medical reformers. Inspired by the nurse’s healing act of deception, he launched a crusade to promote a method of testing new medicines to find out whether they were truly effective. At the time, the process for vetting drugs was sloppy at best: Pharmaceutical companies would simply dose volunteers with an experimental agent until the side effects swamped the presumed benefits. Beecher proposed that if test subjects could be compared to a group that received a placebo, health officials would finally have an impartial way to determine whether a medicine was actually responsible for making a patient better.

In a 1955 paper titled “The Powerful Placebo,” published in The Journal of the American Medical Association, Beecher described how the placebo effect had undermined the results of more than a dozen trials by causing improvement that was mistakenly attributed to the drugs being tested. He demonstrated that trial volunteers who got real medication were also subject to placebo effects; the act of taking a pill was itself somehow therapeutic, boosting the curative power of the medicine. Only by subtracting the improvement in a placebo control group could the actual value of the drug be calculated.

The article caused a sensation. By 1962, reeling from news of birth defects caused by a drug called thalidomide, Congress amended the Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act, requiring trials to include enhanced safety testing and placebo control groups. Volunteers would be assigned randomly to receive either medicine or a sugar pill, and neither doctor nor patient would know the difference until the trial was over. Beecher’s double-blind, placebo-controlled, randomized clinical trial—or RCT—was enshrined as the gold standard of the emerging pharmaceutical industry. Today, to win FDA approval, a new medication must beat placebo in at least two authenticated trials.

Beecher’s prescription helped cure the medical establishment of outright quackery, but it had an insidious side effect. By casting placebo as the villain in RCTs, he ended up stigmatizing one of his most important discoveries. The fact that even dummy capsules can kick-start the body’s recovery engine became a problem for drug developers to overcome, rather than a phenomenon that could guide doctors toward a better understanding of the healing process and how to drive it most effectively.

In his eagerness to promote his template for clinical trials, Beecher also overreached by seeing the placebo effect at work in curing ailments like the common cold, which wane with no intervention at all. But the triumph of Beecher’s gold standard was a generation of safer medications that worked for nearly everyone. Anthracyclines don’t require an oncologist with a genial bedside manner to slow the growth of tumors.

What Beecher didn’t foresee, however, was the explosive growth of the pharmaceutical industry. The blockbuster success of mood drugs in the ’80s and ’90s emboldened Big Pharma to promote remedies for a growing panoply of disorders that are intimately related to higher brain function. By attempting to dominate the central nervous system, Big Pharma gambled its future on treating ailments that have turned out to be particularly susceptible to the placebo effect.

The tall, rusty-haired son of a country doctor, William Potter, 64, has spent most of his life treating mental illness—first as a psychiatrist at the National Institute of Mental Health and then as a drug developer. A decade ago, he took a job at Lilly’s neuroscience labs. There, working on new antidepressants and antianxiety meds, he became one of the first researchers to glimpse the approaching storm.

To test products internally, pharmaceutical companies routinely run trials in which a long-established medication and an experimental one compete against each other as well as against a placebo. As head of Lilly’s early-stage psychiatric drug development in the late ’90s, Potter saw that even durable warhorses like Prozac, which had been on the market for years, were being overtaken by dummy pills in more recent tests. The company’s next-generation antidepressants were faring badly, too, doing no better than placebo in seven out of 10 trials.

As a psychiatrist, Potter knew that some patients really do seem to get healthier for reasons that have more to do with a doctor’s empathy than with the contents of a pill. But it baffled him that drugs he’d been prescribing for years seemed to be struggling to prove their effectiveness. Thinking that something crucial may have been overlooked, Potter tapped an IT geek named David DeBrota to help him comb through the Lilly database of published and unpublished trials—including those that the company had kept secret because of high placebo response. They aggregated the findings from decades of antidepressant trials, looking for patterns and trying to see what was changing over time. What they found challenged some of the industry’s basic assumptions about its drug-vetting process.

Assumption number one was that if a trial were managed correctly, a medication would perform as well or badly in a Phoenix hospital as in a Bangalore clinic. Potter discovered, however, that geographic location alone could determine whether a drug bested placebo or crossed the futility boundary. By the late ’90s, for example, the classic antianxiety drug diazepam (also known as Valium) was still beating placebo in France and Belgium. But when the drug was tested in the US, it was likely to fail. Conversely, Prozac performed better in America than it did in western Europe and South Africa. It was an unsettling prospect: FDA approval could hinge on where the company chose to conduct a trial.

Mistaken assumption number two was that the standard tests used to gauge volunteers’ improvement in trials yielded consistent results. Potter and his colleagues discovered that ratings by trial observers varied significantly from one testing site to another. It was like finding out that the judges in a tight race each had a different idea about the placement of the finish line.

Potter and DeBrota’s data-mining also revealed that even superbly managed trials were subject to runaway placebo effects. But exactly why any of this was happening remained elusive. “We were able to identify many of the core issues in play,” Potter says. “But there was no clear answer to the problem.” Convinced that what Lilly was facing was too complex for any one pharmaceutical house to unravel on its own, he came up with a plan to break down the firewalls between researchers across the industry, enabling them to share data in “pre-competitive space.”

After prodding by Potter and others, the NIH focused on the issue in 2000, hosting a three-day conference in Washington. For the first time in medical history, more than 500 drug developers, doctors, academics, and trial designers put their heads together to examine the role of the placebo effect in clinical trials and healing in general.

Potter’s ambitious plan for a collaborative approach to the problem eventually ran into its own futility boundary: No one would pay for it. And drug companies don’t share data, they hoard it. But the NIH conference launched a new wave of placebo research in academic labs in the US and Italy that would make significant progress toward solving the mystery of what was happening in clinical trials.

Visitors to Fabrizio Benedetti’s clinic at the University of Turin are asked never to say the P-word around the med students who sign up for his experiments. For all the volunteers know, the trim, soft-spoken neuroscientist is hard at work concocting analgesic skin creams and methods for enhancing athletic performance.

One recent afternoon in his lab, a young soccer player grimaced with exertion while doing leg curls on a weight machine. Benedetti and his colleagues were exploring the potential of using Pavlovian conditioning to give athletes a competitive edge undetectable by anti-doping authorities. A player would receive doses of a performance-enhancing drug for weeks and then a jolt of placebo just before competition.

Benedetti, 53, first became interested in placebos in the mid-’90s, while researching pain. He was surprised that some of the test subjects in his placebo groups seemed to suffer less than those on active drugs. But scientific interest in this phenomenon, and the money to research it, were hard to come by. “The placebo effect was considered little more than a nuisance,” he recalls. “Drug companies, physicians, and clinicians were not interested in understanding its mechanisms. They were concerned only with figuring out whether their drugs worked better.”

Part of the problem was that response to placebo was considered a psychological trait related to neurosis and gullibility rather than a physiological phenomenon that could be scrutinized in the lab and manipulated for therapeutic benefit. But then Benedetti came across a study, done years earlier, that suggested the placebo effect had a neurological foundation. US scientists had found that a drug called naloxone blocks the pain-relieving power of placebo treatments. The brain produces its own analgesic compounds called opioids, released under conditions of stress, and naloxone blocks the action of these natural painkillers and their synthetic analogs. The study gave Benedetti the lead he needed to pursue his own research while running small clinical trials for drug companies.

Now, after 15 years of experimentation, he has succeeded in mapping many of the biochemical reactions responsible for the placebo effect, uncovering a broad repertoire of self-healing responses. Placebo-activated opioids, for example, not only relieve pain; they also modulate heart rate and respiration. The neurotransmitter dopamine, when released by placebo treatment, helps improve motor function in Parkinson’s patients. Mechanisms like these can elevate mood, sharpen cognitive ability, alleviate digestive disorders, relieve insomnia, and limit the secretion of stress-related hormones like insulin and cortisol.

In one study, Benedetti found that Alzheimer’s patients with impaired cognitive function get less pain relief from analgesic drugs than normal volunteers do. Using advanced methods of EEG analysis, he discovered that the connections between the patients’ prefrontal lobes and their opioid systems had been damaged. Healthy volunteers feel the benefit of medication plus a placebo boost. Patients who are unable to formulate ideas about the future because of cortical deficits, however, feel only the effect of the drug itself. The experiment suggests that because Alzheimer’s patients don’t get the benefits of anticipating the treatment, they require higher doses of painkillers to experience normal levels of relief.

Benedetti often uses the phrase “placebo response” instead of placebo effect. By definition, inert pills have no effect, but under the right conditions they can act as a catalyst for what he calls the body’s “endogenous health care system.” Like any other internal network, the placebo response has limits. It can ease the discomfort of chemotherapy, but it won’t stop the growth of tumors. It also works in reverse to produce the placebo’s evil twin, the nocebo effect. For example, men taking a commonly prescribed prostate drug who were informed that the medication may cause sexual dysfunction were twice as likely to become impotent.

Further research by Benedetti and others showed that the promise of treatment activates areas of the brain involved in weighing the significance of events and the seriousness of threats. “If a fire alarm goes off and you see smoke, you know something bad is going to happen and you get ready to escape,” explains Tor Wager, a neuroscientist at Columbia University. “Expectations about pain and pain relief work in a similar way. Placebo treatments tap into this system and orchestrate the responses in your brain and body accordingly.”

In other words, one way that placebo aids recovery is by hacking the mind’s ability to predict the future. We are constantly parsing the reactions of those around us—such as the tone a doctor uses to deliver a diagnosis—to generate more-accurate estimations of our fate. One of the most powerful placebogenic triggers is watching someone else experience the benefits of an alleged drug. Researchers call these social aspects of medicine the therapeutic ritual.

In a study last year, Harvard Medical School researcher Ted Kaptchuk devised a clever strategy for testing his volunteers’ response to varying levels of therapeutic ritual. The study focused on irritable bowel syndrome, a painful disorder that costs more than $40 billion a year worldwide to treat. First the volunteers were placed randomly in one of three groups. One group was simply put on a waiting list; researchers know that some patients get better just because they sign up for a trial. Another group received placebo treatment from a clinician who declined to engage in small talk. Volunteers in the third group got the same sham treatment from a clinician who asked them questions about symptoms, outlined the causes of IBS, and displayed optimism about their condition.

RX FOR SUCCESS

What turns a dummy pill into a catalyst for relieving pain, anxiety, depression, sexual dysfunction, or the tremors of Parkinson’s disease? The brain’s own healing mechanisms, unleashed by the belief that a phony medication is the real thing. The most important ingredient in any placebo is the doctor’s bedside manner, but according to research, the color of a tablet can boost the effectiveness even of genuine meds—or help convince a patient that a placebo is a potent remedy.—Steve Silberman

Yellow pills
make the most effective antidepressants, like little doses of pharmaceutical sunshine.

Red pills
can give you a more stimulating kick. Wake up, Neo.
The color green
reduces anxiety, adding more chill to the pill.
White tablets
particularly those labeled “antacid”—are superior for soothing ulcers, even when they contain nothing but lactose.
More is better,
scientists say. Placebos taken four times a day deliver greater relief than those taken twice daily.
Branding matters.
Placebos stamped or packaged with widely recognized trademarks are more effective than “generic” placebos.
Clever names
can add a placebo boost to the physiological punch in real drugs. Viagraimplies both vitality and an unstoppable Niagara of sexy.

Not surprisingly, the health of those in the third group improved most. In fact, just by participating in the trial, volunteers in this high-interaction group got as much relief as did people taking the two leading prescription drugs for IBS. And the benefits of their bogus treatment persisted for weeks afterward, contrary to the belief—widespread in the pharmaceutical industry—that the placebo response is short-lived.

Studies like this open the door to hybrid treatment strategies that exploit the placebo effect to make real drugs safer and more effective. Cancer patients undergoing rounds of chemotherapy often suffer from debilitating nocebo effects—such as anticipatory nausea—conditioned by their past experiences with the drugs. A team of German researchers has shown that these associations can be unlearned through the administration of placebo, making chemo easier to bear.

Meanwhile, the classic use of placebos in medicine—to boost the confidence of anxious patients—has been employed tacitly for ages. Nearly half of the doctors polled in a 2007 survey in Chicago admitted to prescribing medications they knew were ineffective for a patient’s condition—or prescribing effective drugs in doses too low to produce actual benefit—in order to provoke a placebo response.

The main objections to more widespread placebo use in clinical practice are ethical, but the solutions to these conundrums can be surprisingly simple. Investigators told volunteers in one placebo study that the pills they were taking were “known to significantly reduce pain in some patients.” The researchers weren’t lying.

These new findings tell us that the body’s response to certain types of medication is in constant flux, affected by expectations of treatment, conditioning, beliefs, and social cues.

For instance, the geographic variations in trial outcome that Potter uncovered begin to make sense in light of discoveries that the placebo response is highly sensitive to cultural differences. Anthropologist Daniel Moerman found that Germans are high placebo reactors in trials of ulcer drugs but low in trials of drugs for hypertension—an undertreated condition in Germany, where many people pop pills for herzinsuffizienz, or low blood pressure. Moreover, a pill’s shape, size, branding, and price all influence its effects on the body. Soothing blue capsules make more effective tranquilizers than angry red ones, except among Italian men, for whom the color blue is associated with their national soccer team—Forza Azzurri!

But why would the placebo effect seem to be getting stronger worldwide? Part of the answer may be found in the drug industry’s own success in marketing its products.

Potential trial volunteers in the US have been deluged with ads for prescription medications since 1997, when the FDA amended its policy on direct-to-consumer advertising. The secret of running an effective campaign, Saatchi & Saatchi’s Jim Joseph told a trade journal last year, is associating a particular brand-name medication with other aspects of life that promote peace of mind: “Is it time with your children? Is it a good book curled up on the couch? Is it your favorite television show? Is it a little purple pill that helps you get rid of acid reflux?” By evoking such uplifting associations, researchers say, the ads set up the kind of expectations that induce a formidable placebo response.

The success of those ads in selling blockbuster drugs like antidepressants and statins also pushed trials offshore as therapeutic virgins—potential volunteers who were not already medicated with one or another drug—became harder to find. The contractors that manage trials for Big Pharma have moved aggressively into Africa, India, China, and the former Soviet Union. In these places, however, cultural dynamics can boost the placebo response in other ways. Doctors in these countries are paid to fill up trial rosters quickly, which may motivate them to recruit patients with milder forms of illness that yield more readily to placebo treatment. Furthermore, a patient’s hope of getting better and expectation of expert care—the primary placebo triggers in the brain—are particularly acute in societies where volunteers are clamoring to gain access to the most basic forms of medicine. “The quality of care that placebo patients get in trials is far superior to the best insurance you get in America,” says psychiatrist Arif Khan, principal investigator in hundreds of trials for companies like Pfizer and Bristol-Myers Squibb. “It’s basically luxury care.”

Big Pharma faces additional problems in beating placebo when it comes to psychiatric drugs. One is to accurately define the nature of mental illness. The litmus test of drug efficacy in antidepressant trials is a questionnaire called the Hamilton Depression Rating Scale. The HAM-D was created nearly 50 years ago based on a study of major depressive disorder in patients confined to asylums. Few trial volunteers now suffer from that level of illness. In fact, many experts are starting to wonder if what drug companies now call depression is even the same disease that the HAM-D was designed to diagnose.

Existing tests also may not be appropriate for diagnosing disorders like social anxiety and premenstrual dysphoria—the very types of chronic, fuzzily defined conditions that the drug industry started targeting in the ’90s, when the placebo problem began escalating. The neurological foundation of these illnesses is still being debated, making it even harder for drug companies to come up with effective treatments.

What all of these disorders have in common, however, is that they engage the higher cortical centers that generate beliefs and expectations, interpret social cues, and anticipate rewards. So do chronic pain, sexual dysfunction, Parkinson’s, and many other ailments that respond robustly to placebo treatment. To avoid investing in failure, researchers say, pharmaceutical companies will need to adopt new ways of vetting drugs that route around the brain’s own centralized network for healing.

Ten years and billions of R&D dollars after William Potter first sounded the alarm about the placebo effect, his message has finally gotten through. In the spring, Potter, who is now a VP at Merck, helped rev up a massive data-gathering effort called the Placebo Response Drug Trials Survey.

Under the auspices of the NIH, Potter and his colleagues are acquiring decades of trial data—including blood and DNA samples—to determine which variables are responsible for the apparent rise in the placebo effect. Merck, Lilly, Pfizer, AstraZeneca, GlaxoSmithKline, Sanofi-Aventis, Johnson & Johnson, and other major firms are funding the study, and the process of scrubbing volunteers’ names and other personal information from the database is about to begin.

In typically secretive industry fashion, the existence of the project itself is being kept under wraps. NIH staffers are willing to talk about it only anonymously, concerned about offending the companies paying for it.

For Potter, who used to ride along with his father on house calls in Indiana, the significance of the survey goes beyond Big Pharma’s finally admitting it has a placebo problem. It also marks the twilight of an era when the drug industry was confident that its products were strong enough to cure illness by themselves.

“Before I routinely prescribed antidepressants, I would do more psychotherapy for mildly depressed patients,” says the veteran of hundreds of drug trials. “Today we would say I was trying to engage components of the placebo response—and those patients got better. To really do the best for your patients, you want the best placebo response plus the best drug response.”

The pharma crisis has also finally brought together the two parallel streams of placebo research—academic and industrial. Pfizer has asked Fabrizio Benedetti to help the company figure out why two of its pain drugs keep failing. Ted Kaptchuk is developing ways to distinguish drug response more clearly from placebo response for another pharma house that he declines to name. Both are exploring innovative trial models that treat the placebo effect as more than just statistical noise competing with the active drug.

Benedetti has helped design a protocol for minimizing volunteers’ expectations that he calls “open/hidden.” In standard trials, the act of taking a pill or receiving an injection activates the placebo response. In open/hidden trials, drugs and placebos are given to some test subjects in the usual way and to others at random intervals through an IV line controlled by a concealed computer. Drugs that work only when the patient knows they’re being administered are placebos themselves.

Ironically, Big Pharma’s attempt to dominate the central nervous system has ended up revealing how powerful the brain really is. The placebo response doesn’t care if the catalyst for healing is a triumph of pharmacology, a compassionate therapist, or a syringe of salt water. All it requires is a reasonable expectation of getting better. That’s potent medicine.

Contributing editor Steve Silberman (steve@stevesilberman.comwrote about the hunt for Jim Gray in issue 15.08

The Power of Forgiveness: Matthew 18

I know that I am getting a nudge to post when I am reading a chapter about forgiveness and I also happen to start listening to a podcast on forgiveness. These notes are a summary of a chapter on forgiveness in “You Were Born for This” by Bruce Wilkinson (Chapter 12: The Forgiveness Key), and the podcast is a sermon done by Mike Erre.  As always, share your thoughts with us.

Forgiveness is VERY important to God and for us to embrace.

There is only ONE thing that we are called to do in the entire Lord’s Prayer:  “Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors…”-Matthew 6:12

God, as represented by the King in Matthew 18, gets angry with those He has forgiven of an payable debt refuse to forgive others of a very small debt:

“…so My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trepasses…”-Matthew 18:35 (see also Matthew 6:14-15)

What will God do to us if we don’t forgive?  He will ‘hand us over to the torturers’ (Matt 18:34).  What?! What does this mean?!  It means that God turns His people who refuse to forgive others over to the painful consequences of their own unforgiveness until the person, from their heart, forgives others their trespasses (debts).  We will torment OURSELVES until we open our hearts and forgive.

3 key points to remember:

  • Jesus: “Jesus forgave you.  You can choose to forgive others.”
  • Justice: “Vengeance belongs to God, not to you or me.”
  • Jailer: “You are your own jailer.  Your torment won’t end until you forgive.  Then it will end immediately.  You will be free. And that is what God wants for you.”

2 gifts occur when we forgive:

To Quell or not to Quell your Emotions?

In reply to the post on emotions, we got a posted comment asking: How to quell your emotions?  Here are some thoughts….

To quell or not to quell?

To Quell:  YES! Join the crowd of men with distant non-emotive fathers from a family of origin of quellers.  This is me.  I am a queller.  I have been well trained in the art.  I even get a small whiff of emotion and I run for cover.  The problem: Quelling leads to men (and women) who don’t know what to do with their emotions.  We try to stuff them down deep, hide them, pretend they don’t exist, cover them with logic and hard work, but they are there in a very powerful way.  We hide them only to realize that they direct so many of our actions.  Even worse, the queller is prone to incredible outbursts of emotions often acting shocked, “Where did those come from?!”  Under extreme stress emotions boil over into rage and angry explosions.

The queller has been trained in the art of disconnect.  We are the superhero’s that are calm powerhouses of intellect and logic within our families of origin that are unraveling by alcohol and dysfunction.  Robotic, we move through life seemingly unphased.  Our war cry (sorry whisper):  “I don’t need people! I don’t need emotional connection!”

When in reality that is what life is ALL about: Connectedness, relationship.  Only when I was dropped to my knees by catastrophic circumstances in my own life was I finally forced to lean on my wife and others.  And it was extremely painful for me to reach out to others.

Not to Quell:

“…listening to your emotions ushers you into reality and reality is where you meet God”-Peter Scazzero, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality

This is the way of true life:  Knowing and embracing the reality of our emotions.  The key is to be aware of what I am feeling, being aware of my emotions because otherwise we let our emotions fester and smolder and control us.

How do we listen to our emotions?  How do we embrace and welcome our emotions as the window to reality?

We need to learn to get into a rhythm with our emotions.  A few ‘tricks’ can be used.  The first is called ‘tagging’.  Recognize when anger, frustration, and other emotions are starting to boil and ‘tag’ then to discuss and retrieve them at a later time.  Develop a pattern or rhythm of checking in with your spouse or close friend to discuss these ‘tagged’ emotions.  The other ‘trick’ is to recognize your emotions before they overtake you.  Recognize the situations and times when you can start to feel your emotions bubbling over and intervene at that moment.  Recognize and analyze why the situation is giving you that emotional response.  In time, this approach will allow you to acknowledge your emotions and address them in healthier ways rather than waiting until they sneak up and explode on you and those around you.

Finally, what can I do when my emotions (anger, frustration, etc) start to boil over?  Here is the challenge as Teresa Avila said, “…learn to sit in the weeds (of your emotions)…”  What is God trying to say to me through this emotion?  Why am I feeling this emotion in this situation?  What is the emotion saying about me?  Emotions are simply a guide.  Take a ‘time out’ to listen to God’s whisper, and remember that He is ALWAYS whispering to YOU that He loves and adores and DELIGHTS in YOU!

Healthcare Debate and Reform

This is the cold, hard truth, and although I mentioned this article in my last post, I think that it is so important to understand and share with others that I have posted it here in its entirety (call your representatives!):

Healthcare Reform Update

The New England Journal of Medicine, the premier Journal in all of medicine, has had its lead articles for months focus on health care reform.  The last issue finally had 1 article with the fiscally conservative opinion; the rest have been extremely bias, unfortunately.

I have learned that Canada’s system for many years after reform continued to climb in costs!  Massachusetts health care system that many legislators view as the model and goal to strive for has been found to cost a typical family MORE money and higher premiums!

Finally there is a recent article that points out that 31% of the U.S. population believes that they will be worse off than they are now.

Any thoughts?

Love Binds Doctors to their Patients in a Unique Way

Truth in the Cathedral of Medicine

Leap, Edwin MD

Dr. Leap is a member of Blue Ridge Emergency Physicians, an emergency physician at Oconee Memorial Hospital in Seneca, SC, and an op-ed columnist for the Greenville News. He welcomes comments about his observations, and readers may write to him at emn@lww.com and visit his web site and blog at www.edwinleap.com.

When this is published, we could be on our way to a new health care system. I don’t know what that will entail. Few in the government really want my opinion. That’s the way it is; we have limited power. Or do we?

Last night at work, I diagnosed a man near my age with new onset diabetes and osteomyelitis of the toe. He was terrified, and fear radiated from his face. He was afraid of diabetes, of neuropathy, of amputation.

We talked a while as I dealt with his blood glucose, then admitted him to the hospital for a surgeon to evaluate his foot and a hospitalist to control his diabetes. He thanked me for smiling and being kind. We shook hands and laughed before he went upstairs into his diabetic future. He felt better. He felt that someone cared for his situation.

Reform or not, the one thing we can do as physicians is just that. We can be competent and compassionate. We can smile and touch. We can do the right thing as long as government lets us. (Pay attention to that thought: as long as they let us. Store it away, and watch the future unfold.)

I have been told by some that government-run health care would be better than industry-driven health care. I have been told the opposite as well. Each side makes the argument that it will have greater accountability to the sick. Advocates for government suggest that we as citizens can hold them to more rigid standards, can get what we want and need more effectively through the legislative process. Those for the market believe that profit will always do a better job of driving customer satisfaction, efficiency, and lower costs, that profit and shareholder interests will make the market a better choice.

I have an idea about that. The only direct accountability any patient can ultimately exercise is between caregiver and patient. You can argue on the phone for weeks, and never speak to the right person at an insurance company. They can delay and evade for months. You can call your favorite government functionary who works behind a shield of anonymity and distance, guarded by layers of voice-prompts on telephones. None of them is accountable the way we providers are.

And so, we have power. We can do what I did with my diabetic friend. We can touch and smile. We can care. We can do the right thing as much as possible. We can show compassion, live compassion, feel compassion. We entered medicine because we genuinely cared about the sick, the dying, and the broken. Our best hope for the future of medicine is to continue to do the same, or if lost, to rediscover what was driven from our hearts.

Our proximity to the sick is an advantage no one else possesses, and in truth, that no one else desires. Our love for them is the most powerful weapon we have as we try to reform.

I don’t know what the future holds. I hope it holds continued jobs, continued freedom and choice, continued competence in medicine. I hope it involves amazing innovations and improvements in quality of life.

But whatever it holds, good or bad, I do know the way to safeguard our place in the process as physicians, nurses, and other health care providers. The solution for caregivers is, ironically, to give care! If we give care, if we give love and concern, if we give of ourselves to those suffering, we will have far more power than any government functionary or insurance company voice on the phone.

We may have our payments cut, our influence squashed, our opinions silenced. But our compassion will continue to connect us, our love will continue to rebuild the broken and to speak with a thunder no government or corporation can match.

Maybe, in the end, we can reassume control of health care. And why not? We know it better than anyone else; we know the sick better than anyone. We touch them, treat them, listen to them, and even see them leave this life. Those are powerful qualifications for leadership.

But we’ll never have control, ever again, if we give up the one velvet weapon we have, which is love for those charged to our care. For faith, hope and love abide these three, but the greatest of these is love. And it’s never more true than in the cathedral of medicine.

Emotions

“Emotions are the window to reality.”  Really? I have not bought into that.  Why? Probably because I was raised to be out of touch with my emotions.  I strive at being non-emotive.   But it turns out that emotions and their physiological effects play a key part in our decision making.

Why do police departments generally do not allow their officers to participate in high speed chases?  What is the cause of most medical errors? Answer: Emotions.  Really? Yes.

In Malcolm Gladwell’s book Blink,  Gladwell points out that there is a physiological response to stress/fear/anger/ie our emotions.  One of the findings reported by a police officer who has studied police shooting incidents has found that when we are stressed and our heart rate goes about 145 beats per minute we start to lose our ability to reason, think clearly, etc.  There is a sweet spot to stress when our heart rate is between 110-145 our body responds by making our ability to think clearly sharper in this heart rate range.  Some police departments have banned high speed car chases for this very reason.  They have found that the police in a high speed chase are so stressed that they will often respond by being overly aggressive at the time of arrest.

Dr. Groopman in How Doctors Think points out that most medical errors are related to our emotions…

“But what I and my colleagues rarely recognized, and what physicians still rarely discussed as medical students, interns, residents, and indeed throughout their professional lives, is how other emotions influence a doctor’s perceptions and judgments, his actions and reactions. I long believed that the errors we made in medicine were largely technical ones—prescribing the wrong dose of a drug, transfusing a unit of blood matched for another person, mislabeling an x-ray of an arm as “right” instead of “left.” But as a growing body of research shows, technical errors account for only a small fraction of our incorrect diagnoses and treatments. Most errors are mistakes in thinking. And part of what causes these cognitive errors is our inner feelings, feelings we do not readily admit to and often don’t even recognize.”

Poverty, Wealth, Neglect

In this eye opening sermon, Greg Boyd points out that most of us are like the Nazi family in the movie “The Boy in the Striped Pajamas”.  We live next door to the concentration camp of poverty, but we are so indebted and deeply set into ‘the system’ that we don’t move to stop it.

Boyd also presents us with incredible data on poverty.

Part 3: Non-Church Goers Giving Records

I heard recently that there was an article in USA Today that pointed out the stats on giving/helping/volunteerism between church goers vs. non-church goers.

As I have posted in the past, one of the most common complaints from non-Christians against Christians is: Those Christians are such hypocrites.

This recent article stated (I have not found the exact numbers but the article was quoted as saying this) that 70% of regular church goers give back their time to help others and that they have INCREASED (by 8%) their volunteerism since the economic downturn to help the poor and needy.  On the other hand, only 30% or less of non-church goers give back with their charitable time, and this group has DECREASED (by 8%) their volunteerism since the economic downturn. (please leave comment or email us if you know the exact reference)

Part 2: Atheists claim that they are MORE moral than Christians.

I agree with the comment posted in Part 1 that these stats need to be taken with a grain of salt, and Christians probably don’t report as openly their bad behaviors.  This 3 part series of posts is pointing out that playing the hypocrite card is not entirely fair.  A KEY point and pleading would be to not look at the Christian but look at Christ.  Don’t let a Christian hypocrite get in the way of your relationship with God.

Here is another very interesting Barna poll.  This poll suggests that atheists have different moral values than Christians.

A survey of 1,600 Canadians asked them what were their beliefs about God and what moral values they considered to be “very important.” The results of the survey are shown below:

Moral Values of Theists vs. Atheists1
Moral Value Theists Atheists
Honesty 94% 89%
Kindness 88 75
Family life 88 65
Being loved 86 70
Friendship 85 74
Courtesy 81 71
Concern for others 82 63
Forgiveness 84 52
Politeness 77 65
Friendliness 79 66
Patience 72 39
Generosity 67 37

Although the differences between theists and atheists in the importance of values such as honesty, politeness, and friendliness are generally small, moral values emphasized by religious beliefs, such as Christianity, including patience, forgiveness, and generosity exhibit major differences in attitudes (30%+ differences between theists and atheists).

What really concerns me is that only half of atheists think that forgiveness is very important. Either these people have not been married or maybe married multiple times, since a lack of forgiveness in a marriage is a sure recipe for disaster. Couple that moral belief with a perception that neither patience nor generosity are very important, and it seems that the divorce rates are likely to go up significantly in the near future.

According to Professor Bibby, Grandma is the “symbolic saintly person in the clan. So valuing Grandma also means valuing many of the things important to her. In successive generations you have a lingering effect of morality. But further down the road generations get further removed from the sources of those values. That’s where it gets tricky.”2

Part 1: Atheists claim that they are MORE moral than Christians.

Atheists claim that they are more moral than their Christian counterparts? Our first question may be: Yes, but why? But our second question might be: Is this claim true?

A a random sample of 1003 adults were surveyed in May, 2008 by The Barna Group for their participation in a number of negative behaviors within the previous week. The results showed that there were vast differences in the behaviors of evangelicals compared to agnostics/atheists.

Moral Behaviors of Evangelicals vs. Atheists6
Sin Evangelicals Atheists
Viewing pornography 12% 50%
Profanity in public 16 60
Gambling 2 ?7
Gossiping 4 34
Sex with non-spouse 3 ?7
Retaliation ?7 11
Drunkenness 0.5 33
Lying 1 ?7
Average 6 29

These results show that atheists/agnostics participate in morally questionable behaviors to a much greater degree than evangelical Christians – an average of nearly five times the frequency! The data calls into question the atheists’ claim that moral choices are deterministic and the people do not have the ability to exercise free will. If human behavior were merely a combination of genes and biochemistry, then beliefs would have no effect on moral choices. Obviously, this is a failed hypothesis, since beliefs do influence behavior. Another study, published in 2008, showed that increasing belief in determinism negatively impacted moral behavior (cheating).8

Keep Telemarketers from Calling YOU

Cell Phone Numbers Go Public this month.  All cell phone numbers are being released to telemarketing companies and you will start to receive sales calls.  YOU WILL BE CHARGED FOR THESE CALLS!  To prevent this, call the following number from your cell phone:    888-382-1222.  
 
It is the National DO NOT CALL  List. It will only take a minute of your time.. It blocks your number for five (5) years. You must call from the cell phone number you want to have blocked. You cannot call from a different phone number.
HELP OTHERS BY PASSING THIS ON…

Anxiety, the Worried Well, and Healthcare Reform

A friend just sent me this article from the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.  It is insightful, true, funny, but a little harsh at times. The take home message is important: do not be anxious….

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

Emergency departments are distilleries that boil complex blends of trauma, stress and emotion down to the essence of immediacy: What needs to be done, right now, to fix the problem. Working the past 20 years in such environments has shown me with great clarity what is wrong (and right) with our nation’s medical system.

It’s obvious to me that despite all the furor and rancor, what is being debated in Washington currently is not health-care reform. It’s only health-care insurance reform. It addresses the undeniably important issues of who is going to pay and how, but completely misses the point of why.

Health care costs too much in our country because we deliver too much health care. We deliver too much because we demand too much. And we demand it for all the wrong reasons. We’re turning into a nation of anxious wimps.

I still love my job; very few things are as emotionally rewarding as relieving true pain and suffering, sharing compassionate care and actually saving lives. Illness and injury will always require the best efforts our medical system can provide. But emergency departments nationwide are being overwhelmed by the non-emergent, and doctors in general are asked to treat what doesn’t need treatment.

In a single night I had patients come in to our emergency department, most brought by ambulance, for the following complaints: I smoked marijuana and got dizzy; I got stung by a bee and it hurts; I got drunk and have a hangover; I sat out in the sun and got sunburn; I ate Mexican food and threw up; I picked my nose and it bled, but now it stopped; I just had sex and want to know if I’m pregnant.

Since all my colleagues and I have worked our shifts while suffering from worse symptoms than these (well, not the marijuana, I hope), we have understandably lost some of our natural empathy for such patients. When working with a cold, flu or headache, I often feel I am like one of those cute little animal signs in amusement parks that say “you must be taller than me to ride this ride” only mine should read “you must be sicker than me to come to our emergency department.” You’d be surprised how many patients wouldn’t qualify.

At a time when we have an unprecedented obsession with health (Dr. Oz, “The Doctors,” Oprah and a host of daytime talk shows make the smallest issues seem like apocalyptic pandemics) we have substandard national wellness. This is largely because the media focuses on the exotic and the sensational and ignores the mundane.

Our society has warped our perception of true risk. We are taught to fear vaccinations, mold, shark attacks, airplanes and breast implants when we really should worry about smoking, drug abuse, obesity, cars and basic hygiene. If you go by pharmaceutical advertisement budgets, our most critical health needs are to have sex and fall asleep.

Somehow we have developed an expectation that our health should always be perfect, and if it isn’t, there should be a pill to fix it. With every ache and sniffle we run to the doctor or purchase useless quackery such as the dietary supplement Airborne or homeopathic cures (to the tune of tens of billions of dollars a year). We demand unnecessary diagnostic testing, narcotics for bruises and sprains, antibiotics for our viruses (which do absolutely no good). And due to time constraints on physicians, fear of lawsuits and the pressure to keep patients satisfied, we usually get them.

Yet the great secret of medicine is that almost everything we see will get better (or worse) no matter how we treat it. Usually better.

The human body is exquisitely talented at healing. If bodies didn’t heal by themselves, we’d be up the creek. Even in an intensive care unit, with our most advanced techniques applied, all we’re really doing is optimizing the conditions under which natural healing can occur. We give oxygen and fluids in the right proportions, raise or lower the blood pressure as needed and allow the natural healing mechanisms time to do their work. It’s as if you could put your car in the service garage, make sure you give it plenty of gas, oil and brake fluid and that transmission should fix itself in no time.

The bottom line is that most conditions are self-limited. This doesn’t mesh well with our immediate-gratification, instant-action society. But usually that bronchitis or back ache or poison ivy or stomach flu just needs time to get better. Take two aspirin and call me in the morning wasn’t your doctor being lazy in the middle of the night; it was sound medical practice. As a wise pediatrician colleague of mine once told me, “Our best medicines are Tincture of Time and Elixir of Neglect.” Taking drugs for things that go away on their own is rarely helpful and often harmful.

We’ve become a nation of hypochondriacs. Every sneeze is swine flu, every headache a tumor. And at great expense, we deliver fantastically prompt, thorough and largely unnecessary care.

There is tremendous financial pressure on physicians to keep patients happy.
But unlike business, in medicine the customer isn’t always right. Sometimes a doctor needs to show tough love and deny patients the quick fix.

A good physician needs to have the guts to stand up to people and tell them that their baby gets ear infections because they smoke cigarettes. That it’s time to admit they are alcoholics. That they need to suck it up and deal with discomfort because narcotics will just make everything worse. That what’s really wrong with them is that they are just too damned fat. Unfortunately, this type of advice rarely leads to high patient satisfaction scores.

Modern medicine is a blessing which improves all our lives. But until we start educating the general populace about what really affects health and what a doctor is capable (and more importantly, incapable) of fixing, we will continue to waste a large portion of our health-care dollar on treatments which just don’t make any difference.

Michael Werdmann, MD

Life Principle #2: Give Honest, Sincere Appreciation

I have been struck by the power of affirmation and appreciation.  I have also been struck by the destructive power of criticism.

Recently I tried to encourage someone to always find the good, always look for the opportunity to compliment and appreciate, and never complain or criticize.  Their response was, “But if you only knew that person, if you only knew how difficult they can be, and how much criticism they deserve.”

This response misses the point completely!  It was only when I dropped the contempt and criticisms did I start to see the gifts in the other person.  It is only when you look for the appreciation will the critical spirit in YOU fade away.

It is NOT about the other person; it is about YOU.  It is about healing YOUR image of yourself, the world around you, and others.

Our marriages and relationships would truly be transformed if we followed Carnegie’s first 2 principles always leading with this one.

“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people…the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.  There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors.  I never criticize anyone.  I believe in giving a person incentive to work.  So I am anxious to praise but loathe to find fault.  If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise… in my wide association in life, meeting with many and great people in various parts of the world… I have yet to find a person, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.”-Charles Schwab

“Every man I meet is my superior in some way.  In that, I learned from him.”-Emerson

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Carnegie:

  • “That is what Schwab did.  What do average people do?  The exact opposite.  If they don’t like to think, they ball out their  subordinates; if they do like it, they say nothing.  As the old couplet says: “once I did bad and that I heard ever/twice I did good, but that I heard never.”-pg 38
  • “I once succumbed to the Fad of fasting and went for six days and nights without eating… I was less hungry at the end of the sixth day than I was at the end of the second.  Yet I know, as you know, people who think they had committed a crime if they let their families or employees go for six days without food; but they will let them go for six days,  six weeks, and sometimes 60 years without giving them the hearty appreciation that they crave almost as much as they crave food.”-pg 40
  • ” When Alfred Lunt, one of the great actors of his time, played the leading role in Reunion in Vienna, he said, “there is nothing I need so much as nourishment for my self-esteem.”  We nurish the bodies of our children and friends and employees but how seldom do we nurish their self-esteem?  We provide them with roast beef and potatoes to build energy, but we neglect to give them kind words of appreciation that would sing in their memories for years like the music of the morning stars.”-pg 40 one
  • “When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95% of our time thinking about ourselves.  Now [just imagine], if we [ could] stop thinking about ourselves for awhile and begin to think of the other person’s good points…”-pg 41
  • “Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips.  You’ll be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit.”-pg 42
  • “Pamela Dunham of  a New Fairfield, Connecticut, had among her responsibilities on her job the supervision of a janitor who was doing a very poor job.  The other employees would jeer at him and litter the hallways to show him what a bad job he is doing.  It was so bad, productive time was being lost in the shop.  Without success, Pam tried various ways to motivate this person.  She noticed that occasionally he did a particularly good piece of work.  She made a point to praise him for it in front of the other people.  Each day the job he did all around got better, and pretty soon he started doing all his work efficiently.  Now he does an excellent job and other people give them appreciation and recognition.  Honest appreciation got results where criticism and ridicule failed.”-pg 42
  • “Hurting people not only does not change them, it is never called for.  There is an old saying that I’ve cut out and pasted on my mirror where I cannot help but see it every day: ‘I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now.  Let me not deferring or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.'”-pg 42
  • “Let’s cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants.  Let’s try to figure out the other person’s good points.”-pg 43

Men on the Path, November 4, 2009: True Success

We were in session #3 from a quiet strength a men’s Bible study by Tony Dungy and our question for today is: How is God’s definition of success different from how most people define it?
We looked at five key verses: Psalm 1:1-3; one Samuel 16:7; Micah 6: 6-8; Matthew 22:34-40; acts 1:8; Philippians 1: 21

God’s definition of success is “to live is Christ to die is gain” only when we can die to ourselves can we truly be successful. J. C. Ryle in his book titled Holiness points out what it costs to be a true Christian (to gain true success).

“For one thing, it will cost us our self righteousness. We must cast away all pride and high thoughts and conceit of our own goodness… for another thing it will cost us our sins. We must be willing to give up every habit and practice which is wrong in God’s sight. We and our sin must quarrel, if we and God are to be friends….For another thing, it will cost us our love of ease…we secretly wish we could have a vicarious Christianity, and could be good by proxy, and have everything done for us. Anything that requires exertion and labor is entirely against the grain of our hearts… in the last place, it will cost us the favor of the world… surely a Christian should be willing to give up anything which stands between him and heaven…A religion that costs nothing is worth nothing! A cheap Christianity, without a cross, will prove in the end a useless Christianity, without a crown…”-pg 82-86

“We must seek to have personal intimacy with the Lord Jesus, and to deal with him as a man deals with a loving friend. We must realize what it is to turn to him first in every need, to talk to him about every difficulty, to consult him about every step, to spread before him all our sorrows, to get him to share in our all our joys, to do all as in his site, and to go through every day leaning on and looking to him.”-pg 113

MLL: Married Life Live, Personality Traits, October 23, 2009

For those who could not attend.  We had a guest speaker, Lana Bateman, who taught us about our personality traits and how to apply them to our marriages.  She has written several books that go into more detail about these traits.

She discussed in detail 4 basic personality types: Sanguine, Choleric, Phlegmatic, Melancholy.  This discussion was VERY interesting and helpful in understanding our spouses.  Obviously we are all a mixture of all 4, but most of us are a higher/predominant part of 1 or 2 of the types.  I also found a fun free personality types test.

Please share your learnings by leaving a comment below, and you can also listen to her lecture.

Finally, if you attended MLL, please fill out this survey to provide us feedback to continue to make MLL the best it can be:

Flu Update: More Stats

CDC announced that up to 6 million swine flu cases in last few months! So now looking at the total of deaths worldwide 6051, we are looking at a mortality rate of .001%.  Unfortunately the people that do get sick and who are at risk of serious illness are kids whereas the regular seasonal flu tends to effect babies and old people.  (original article from CDC)

Life Principle #1: Don’t Criticize, Condemn, Complain

I continue to revisit a book and audio book that I wish that I had memorized when I was younger: How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

Time and time again  I have found myself using (or trying to use) his principles in my marriage, parenting, and other relationships.

Recently I have had conversations about affirming and its counter–criticizing your spouse.  I have seen and heard about a wife or husband who continually criticizes their spouse.  I have been a master at this myself.  For the most part, I have made a major effort to STOP completely this process.  It is a waste of time, and it turns out to do the opposite of what you want it to.  We seem to think that by giving ‘constructive criticism’ the other person will improve, but they don’t.  In fact, they seem to do MORE of the actions that we want them to change!

2 things:  1. The more you affirm and not criticize; the MORE likely their behavior will change!   2. Don’t try and change your spouse; just love them the way they are!

Principle #1: Don’t Criticize, Condemn, Complain

  • “If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive.”
  • “Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself.  Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment….B.F. Skinner, the world-famous psychologist, proved through his experiments that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior.”
  • “Lincoln…had learned by bitter experience that sharp criticisms and rebukes almost invariably end in futility.”
  • “The secret of…Ben Franklin’s…success? ‘I will speak ill of no man…and speak all the good I know of everybody.”
  • “Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain–and most fools do.  But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.”
  • “As Dr. Johnson said: ‘God himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days.’  Why should you and I?”