Life Principle #1: Don’t Criticize, Condemn, Complain

I continue to revisit a book and audio book that I wish that I had memorized when I was younger: How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

Time and time again  I have found myself using (or trying to use) his principles in my marriage, parenting, and other relationships.

Recently I have had conversations about affirming and its counter–criticizing your spouse.  I have seen and heard about a wife or husband who continually criticizes their spouse.  I have been a master at this myself.  For the most part, I have made a major effort to STOP completely this process.  It is a waste of time, and it turns out to do the opposite of what you want it to.  We seem to think that by giving ‘constructive criticism’ the other person will improve, but they don’t.  In fact, they seem to do MORE of the actions that we want them to change!

2 things:  1. The more you affirm and not criticize; the MORE likely their behavior will change!   2. Don’t try and change your spouse; just love them the way they are!

Principle #1: Don’t Criticize, Condemn, Complain

  • “If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive.”
  • “Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself.  Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment….B.F. Skinner, the world-famous psychologist, proved through his experiments that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior.”
  • “Lincoln…had learned by bitter experience that sharp criticisms and rebukes almost invariably end in futility.”
  • “The secret of…Ben Franklin’s…success? ‘I will speak ill of no man…and speak all the good I know of everybody.”
  • “Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain–and most fools do.  But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.”
  • “As Dr. Johnson said: ‘God himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days.’  Why should you and I?”
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One thought on “Life Principle #1: Don’t Criticize, Condemn, Complain”

  1. One time I was in a group and the leader had us read the Carnegie book out loud, chapter by chapter, over several weeks/months. Then we’d discuss and practice the principle in the book. I need to pull it out to review!

    This reminds me of a story I read one time about utilizing with people the same techniques that trainers use with dolphins–reward the good behavior; ignore behavior you don’t want repeated. It was partly humorous and partly serious. In the end, it’s what you’ve written in your post. Focus on the good stuff. Don’t bother criticizing.

    Thanks for bringing up such a simple point that could transform our relationships … if we could practice the necessary restraint.

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