“All the tests are back, and their is nothing wrong with your daughter.” For years, I would step into a patients room and annouce the good news that there was “nothing wrong with you” thinking that the patient would be so releaved. I was reminded of the impact of such a statment at work recently. A physician had brought her daughter in to the Emergency Department for abdominal pain, and at the end of the visit, the nurse went into the room announcing to the physician that there was nothing wrong with her daugher. The physician became very upset stating, “I would never bring my daughter into the Emergency Room if there was nothing wrong with her!” With some ‘service recovery’, I was able to calm this physician mom. But I was reminded again of how the “there is nothing wrong with you” statement must land with my patients. For the last several years, I have changed my phrasing. I now acknowledge that clearly there is something wrong but that our technology can’t find out what exactly is causing the pain. This simple shift of phrase acknowledges and confirms our patients pain, suffering, and anxiety. It is not about working harder or even spending more time. It is working smarter and making the time really count by asking the right questions, saying the right things, and developing your presence (more to follow).
Category Archives: Healing
Robbie Tribute: Words of Wisdom
My friend and partner’s son died 2 weeks ago. He was 14 with severe cerebal palsy. At his funeral, it was mentioned that he only spoke 4 words. “Good” and “I love you.” Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we all only spoke those few words?!
My friend and partner spoke at the grave site and said that he has been angry and questioning God only 2 times in his life: The first when Robbie was born, and the now the second when God took Robbie from him. WOW! The powerful truth that so often the only way to the mountain tops is through the valleys of life.
Anti-Appreciative Inquiry
I have mentioned the concept of Appreciative Inquiry, the power of appreciation, and the effectiveness of positive psychology in prior posts with plenty of supporting scientific and empiric evidence to support their efficacy. But the sad truth is that our world is convinced that these things either don’t work or they are too hard to impliment. These concepts are so foreign to us that they can be very hard to break old habits.
The typical Inquiry remains the dreaded yearly or quarterly employee evaluation. This is the place where the boss critiques the employee. We have all been ‘evaluated’, and we have all been found wanting. Even if you receive a glowing evaluation, it takes only one ‘but’ to ruin it. “You continue to do an amazing job, BUT you could improve in this or that…” We are convinced that this negative feedback is essential and productive. BUT if you are at all like me, I only hear the negative, and it burns into my heart. I go sleepless for days stewing over my critique. In fact, the negative causes me often to be counterproductive, frustrated, sad, depressed, discouraged, etc.
now in a parallel universe:
Your boss calls you into a room and gives you a list of sincere appreciation. A list of blessings. A list of all the great things that you do. Would your productivity go up? Would you work harder? Would you sleep well that night? Would you wake up excited to go to work the following day? Would you appreciate and encourage my co-workers and boss more? Would we all be more likely to smile, laugh, encourage, and bless those around us???
Now What?
What if we started to sincerely appreciate those around us? What if we took the time each day to choose someone to bless with words of affirmation? Can we all try this? I did. WOW! It almost brought the person to tears…it is THAT powerful. If we all got into a rhythm of daily blessing those around us with words of encouragement, what might happen?? Please share with us your experience in trying this…
Appreciative Inquiry
I am re-reading Dale Carnegie’s great book in which he points out that rule #1 in dealing with people is–never condemn, complain, or criticize. Why? Because humans, no matter who they are or what they have done, believe that they are good and with equal confidence are convinced that whatever the issue is it isn’t their fault.
I also just finished Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. He points out that it is not our responsibility to change anybody (and as Carnegie has pointed out, you can’t so stop trying!). We can, however, try and see them as God does (as a beloved son or daughter) and love them as God does (unconditionally). By putting away our ‘judgmentalism and pride and loathing of other people’ and instead treat everybody ‘as though they were [your] best friend’, they will change for the better.
When organizations discover that they are having a problem, they get a team together to look at the problems and try to find a solution better known as problem solving. About 10 years ago, a team of expert problem solvers were hired by a large corporation to come in to ‘fix’ their problems in hopes of increasing their production rates. They found that after their problem solving their production rates actually went down instead of up. Puzzled, they tried a different method. Instead of looking at the problem and filling everyone with negative thoughts about each other and the organization, they looked at the positive. They looked at all the things that worked well, and they focused on making them work even better. The production rate soared. This method is known as Appreciative Inquiry.
It has been thought that allowing and encouraging people to air their grievances about other people in the organization and list their complaints about others and the organization is the path to improvement. This has been shown time and time again to have the opposite effects. It produces negativity, discourages others from working harder to make things better (why bother if you are only going to hear the negative from a select few?!), and it creates a work environment that is defeatist, negative, counter productive, and filled with cattiness and pettiness. So next time your organization decides to send out questionnaires to critique, or wants to create a work group to problem solve, I would hope we all can consider Appreciative Inquiry and the wisdom of Carnegie, Miller, and Christ.
Trials, Temptations, & Thankfulness (James 1)
This is a brief excerpt from a series at Pathways Church on truths from the book of James (from back in Oct 2008).
- TRIAL: I sat on the porch watching my 3 little kids playing in the street realizing that I would/could very well lose everything; a lawsuit that threatened to cause me to lose everything–KEY: No matter how much you have prepared; no matter how much you have planned for every situation; no matter what you say and do; no matter how much control you think that you have–you will be hit in life with things that are unfair and out of your control and yes, even devastating.
- TEMPTATION: The night before Thanksgiving I lost sight of God. I doubted His love, His presence.
- THANKFULNESS: Thanksgiving day came and although I was not that thankful, I chose to be thankful and list and look for thankful moments “…consider it all joy…”-James 1:1 Later on James mentions a ‘crown of life’. My pastor friend, Bucky, shared with me that maybe we have misunderstood the ‘crown of life’ to be a crown we receive after we die. Maybe this is a crown that we wear now on this side of heaven in the kingdom of God that is NOW HERE! Maybe the trials we go through give us the eyes to see LIFE as God wants us to see LIFE as a GIFT!
Please enjoy my short audio about my “trial” and what it has taught me about thankfulness. And as always please leave a comment!
Anticipatory Guidance
This is something that I don’t do enough of: ANTICIPATORY GUIDANCE. It falls into the adage: Tell them what you are going to tell them, tell them, tell them what you told them. One of our main roles as health care providers is to ease pain and suffering AND anxiety. A great way to do just that is to tell your patients what they should expect while in the emergency department and beyond. This is another great article gleaned from Emergency Medical Abstracts (I have added the audio discussion from the Emergency Medical Abstracts for your listening and learning)
A PROGRAM OF ANTICIPATORY GUIDANCE FOR THE PREVENTION OF EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT VISITS FOR EAR PAIN
McWilliams, D.B., et al, Arch Ped Adol Med 162(2):151, February 2008
Let me know what you think.
Part #3: Burdens, Rest, and Meekness: Matthew and The Pursuit of God
Part 3 Pretense and Little Children
Tozer proceeds to share another of our burdens: Pretense.
“Then also he will get deliverance from the burden of pretense. By this I mean not hypocrisy, but the common human desire to put the best foot forward and hide from the world our real inward poverty. For sin has played many evil tricks upon us, and one has been the infusing into us a false sense of shame. There is hardly a man or woman who dares to be just what he or she is without doctoring up the impression. The fear of being found out gnaws like rodents within their hearts. The man of culture is haunted by the fear that he will some day come upon a man more cultured than himself. The learned man fears to meet a man more learned than he. The rich man sweats under the fear that his clothes or his car or his house will sometime be made to look cheap by comparison with those of another rich man. So-called `society’ runs by a motivation not higher than this, and the poorer classes on their level are little better.”
Tozer then points the solution to our pretense. The way of the child.
“Let no one smile this off. These burdens are real, and little by little they kill the victims of this evil and unnatural way of life. And the psychology created by years of this kind of thing makes true meekness seem as unreal as a dream, as aloof as a star. To all the victims of the gnawing disease Jesus says, `Ye must become as little children.’ For little children do not compare; they receive direct enjoyment from what they have without relating it to something else or someone else. Only as they get older and sin begins to stir within their hearts do jealousy and envy appear. Then they are unable to enjoy what they have if someone else has something larger or better. At that early age does the galling burden come down upon their tender souls, and it never leaves them till Jesus sets them free.”
Part #2: Burdens, Rest, and Meekness: Matthew and The Pursuit of God
Part 2 Pride and Meekness
The first burden that A.W. Tozer discusses in Chapter 9 of The Pursuit of God is PRIDE.
“Let us examine our burden. It is altogether an interior one. It attacks the heart and the mind and reaches the body only from within. First, there is the burden of pride. The labor of self-love is a heavy one indeed. Think for yourself whether much of your sorrow has not arisen from someone speaking slightingly of you. As long as you set yourself up as a little god to which you must be loyal there will be those who will delight to offer affront to your idol. How then can you hope to have inward peace? The heart’s fierce effort to protect itself from every slight, to shield its touchy honor from the bad opinion of friend and enemy, will never let the mind have rest. Continue this fight through the years and the burden will become intolerable. Yet the sons of earth are carrying this burden continually, challenging every word spoken against them, cringing under every criticism, smarting under each fancied slight, tossing sleepless if another is preferred before them.”
Tozer proceeds to point out the link between Jesus wisdom in Matthew 5:5 regarding the meek, and His ability to lighten our burdens (Matthew 11:28-30)
“Such a burden as this is not necessary to bear. Jesus calls us to His rest, and meekness is His method. The meek man cares not at all who is greater than he, for he has long ago decided that the esteem of the world is not worth the effort. He develops toward himself a kindly sense of humor and learns to say, `Oh, so you have been overlooked? They have placed someone else before you? They have whispered that you are pretty small stuff after all? And now you feel hurt because the world is saying about you the very things you have been saying about yourself? Only yesterday you were telling God that you were nothing, a mere worm of the dust. Where is your consistency? Come on, humble yourself, and cease to care what men think.’
The meek man is not a human mouse afflicted with a sense of his own inferiority. Rather he may be in his moral life as bold as a lion and as strong as Samson; but he has stopped being fooled about himself. He has accepted God’s estimate of his own life. He knows he is as weak and helpless as God has declared him to be, but paradoxically, he knows at the same time that he is in the sight of God of more importance than angels. In himself, nothing; in God, everything. That is his motto…As he walks on in meekness he will be happy to let God defend him. The old struggle to defend himself is over. He has found the peace which meekness brings.”
What if…we have it all wrong? What if there is…
What if….we have it all wrong? What if there is a God that loves and adores YOU? What if there are angels? What if there is a heaven? What if there is a celebration filled with dancing, rejoicing, singing in heaven? What if there is a celebration right NOW over YOU?
Sally Beth Roe, a character in Piercing the Darkness by Frank Peretti, becomes a Christian, but Peretti provides us with a glimpse of what is occurring in heaven during the very moment that Sally Roe becomes a Christian. It is a remarkable moment of angels celebrating and the lamb of God embracing her. We have NO idea.
“Above, as if another sun had just risen, the darkness opened, and pure, white rays broke through the treetops, flooding Sally Beth Roe with a heavenly light, shining through to her heart, her innermost spirit, obscuring her form with a blinding fire of holiness. Slowly, without sensation, without sound, she settled forward, her face to the ground, her spirit awash with the presence of God…All around her, like spokes of a wondrous wheel, like beams of light emanating from a sun, angelic blades lay flat upon the ground, their tips turned toward her, their handles extending outward, held in the strong fists of hundreds of noble warriors who knelt in perfect, concentric circles of glory, light, and worship, their heads to the ground, their wings stretching skyward like a flourishing, animated garden of flames. They were silent, their hearts filled with holy dread…As in countless times past, in countless places, with marvelous, inscrutable wonder, the Lamb of God stood among them, the Word of God, and more: the final Word, the end of all discussion and challenge, the Creator and the Truth that holds all creation together–most wondrous of all, and most inscrutable of all, the Savior, a title the angels would always behold and marvel about, but which only mankind could know and understand. He had come to be the Savior of this woman. He knew her by name; and speaking her name, He touched her. And her sins were gone…”-pg 321, Piercing the Darkness by Peretti
Edwin Abbot in his book Flatland shares with us, through parable, mathematics, and physics, the very real possibility of dimensions and realities so very close to us, but we remain unaware of them. What if string theory is true? What if there are dimensions just beyond our reach? What if God and the heavenly realm is all around us, surrounding us, embracing us?
What would it be like to get a glimpse into heaven uninhibited, over joyed, overwhelmed in celebration? Here is a brief video of a wedding that brought laughter and joy to my heart as I imagined….dancing and rejoicing in heaven over US!
We often ‘find’ what we are looking for
Kiderman, A., et al, Arch Intern Med 169(5):524, March 9, 2009
METHODS: These Israeli authors evaluated the influence of bias introduced in a patient history on physicians’ perceptions regarding clinical findings and actual management. Healthy actors visited 32 clinicians (30 trained outside the U.S.), reporting a history consistent with viral infection (headache, fever, cough and runny nose for two days with throat discomfort and hoarseness on the day of the visit) or bacterial infection (sore throat for one day with headache and fever with malodor of the mouth but without cough or nasal discharge). None of the actors had physical findings consistent with illness, as confirmed on pre-visit evaluations and photography.
RESULTS: The experience level of the participating physicians ranged from 5 to 32 years (mean, 19 years), and 13 of the physicians were board-certified in family medicine. The physicians recorded slight, moderate or severe pharyngeal erythema for 41%, 34% and 6% of the actors presenting the viral script, and for 22%, 31% and 22%, respectively, of those presenting the bacterial script. An exudate was recorded for 6% and 25% of the actors presenting the viral and bacterial scripts, respectively, and lymphadenopathy was recorded for 16% and 26%, respectively. Throat culture was done for 47% of the actors presenting the script consistent with viral illness, and for 73% of those presenting the bacterial illness script, and antibiotics were prescribed for 21% and 79%, respectively.
CONCLUSIONS: These findings demonstrate that physicians often “find” physical findings consistent with what they expect to find, based on a patient’s history, and that this appears to be true regardless of the level of physician experience.
Covetousness, Jealousy, Gratitude
Jeff Pries does a beautiful job teaching us in this sermon on covetousness.
- The 10 commandments are for our benefit. God wants us to know as Christians the path that will benefit us.
- Coveting leads to jealousy which is a painful dead end
- Life is unfair sometimes
- Be grateful for what you have
- YOU are enough!
Tribute to ER Nurses
This is a great tribute and article pointing out the hard work and compassion of our ER nurses:
“I heard a guttural scream,” Rich says, “and a man was handing me his lifeless son.”
“How old?” I ask.
“Nine months. We worked on him for over an hour.”
Rich moves his chair, coughs. It’s freezing in the conference room. [Note: For privacy, nurses are mentioned only by first name.] The muffled din of the emergency room is audible through closed metal doors. It’s 7 a.m., and Rich’s 12-hour shift has just ended. “I flashed to something I heard once about how a casket doesn’t weigh very much—just enough to break a father’s heart,” he says, “and I lost it. I’m standing there, between beds one and two holding that dead baby, and I’m sobbing. I am in charge, and I’m crying.”
As an 11-year volunteer in Cedars-Sinai Medical Center’s emergency room, I’ve seen close up what ER nurses deal with. It takes rare emotional courage not to burn out when you know that every time those doors open—whether you are working triage in front, where a guy may stumble in with a heart attack, or in back, where paramedics may race in with a girl who has been knifed or shot—it’s bad news. Then there’s the physical strength required to survive 12-hour shifts with two half-hour breaks and 45 minutes for lunch. ER nurses never sit. But it’s the children—every ER nurse will tell you—who take the biggest toll.
“For a very long time,” Rich says, “I viewed it as a badge of honor—How much crap can I take? How much horror can I see and not show emotion?” He clears his throat. “But you can’t keep stuffing it down; you have to deal with the emotion.”
Rich has been a nurse for 22 years. He has a 12-year-old son. There are 98 nurses in Cedars’ ER. Their ages range from 24 to 67, and they are as different as heavy metal is to polka. What they share are guts and a desire to give. “I was an operating-room tech in the army. My CO said, ‘Nursing?’ And I thought, Maybe,” Rich says.
He is big and bulky, with soulful eyes and a wild sense of humor. When I ask why he really became a nurse, he jokes, “I liked the cute little hats, the white nylons and the sensible shoes.”
Rich was diagnosed with leukemia last year in his very own ER, when he showed a doctor some large bruises on his body. The doc ran tests while Rich was on shift and returned with the diagnosis. The story goes that he asked the doc if he could finish his shift so he wouldn’t get docked pay. After eight months off, five rounds of intravenous and oral chemo and too many bone-marrow biopsies, Rich is back working nights. I don’t know how he does it. I don’t know how any of them do it.
“It affects your soul,” Melissa says. She could be called the queen of trauma, having done 20 years in what she terms “the knife and gun club” at St. Luke’s Roosevelt Hospital in Harlem and five years in Newark, New Jersey, before coming to L.A. “Newark made New York look like kindergarten,” she says.
Hearing Melissa’s accent is like flying to N.Y. and walking into Original Ray’s. She recalls a guy “who was having a big heart attack in room nine…In the middle of his pain, he heard me, looked up and said, ‘What part of the Island are you from?’ ”
“Why nursing?” I ask.
“I had a scholarship to the American Ballet Theatre, and I was good, but I wasn’t brilliant…and my dad said, ‘You need an education—go be a nurse.’ ”
I can’t imagine Melissa in ballet shoes, but 29 years ago, she traded them for a stethoscope. We’re at Orso, across the street from Cedars, having dinner after Melissa’s 7 a.m.–to–7 p.m. shift. She’s wearing a chic black jacket over blue scrubs, but there are smudges under her eyes. “Where do you find joy in the job?” I ask.
Without blinking, she says, “Using my knowledge to participate in stopping bad things that happen to people.”
Of course, they can’t always be stopped. You can’t stop a mother’s pain when her 18-month-old drowns. “The mom was still wet,” she says, “making a puddle by room three. When she knew her baby was gone, she wailed…just melted to the floor.” She pauses. “I swaddled her in warm blankets. It was all I could do for her.”
“What do you do for you?”
“I compartmentalize,” she says, finally smiling. “And I buy very expensive shoes.” She must have a closet full of Manolos.
Shari runs to cope with the stress. She did the 2007 Boston Marathon. “I’ve also run after psych patients who escaped the ER and took off down Gracie Allen toward 3rd Street.” She works mostly as a charge nurse, overseeing patient flow. If paramedics bring you in on a gurney, you’ll see the charge nurse first. That’s who decides whether the man in room four gets kicked into the hall because the room is needed for the woman the LAFD just scooped up off the pavement.
Some ER nurses charge, but all work triage and patient care. There are approximately 15 nurses on each shift, and shifts change all day. There are 41 beds in the ER—58 if they fill the halls. Cedars is a number one trauma center—the wait can be 10 minutes or four hours. Think of all the L.A. hospitals that have closed.
Shari, who was raised on a farm in Racine, Wisconsin, has been a nurse for 21 years. The only other job she considered was a baker…and that was when she was five. “How come you didn’t do that?”
“They have to get up really early,” she says, taking a bite from her perfectly wrapped homemade sandwich. She expertly cuts her peach with a paring knife.
Shari came on at 11 a.m. and will work until 11 p.m. We’re in the cafeteria on her dinner break, but she looks like she has just showered—blond curls escaping a perfect ponytail—a Goldilocks nurse who behaves like a general. I have seen her hustle a parade of bloody, broken patients through the door with the cool calm of an air-traffic controller moving jets through a bank of thunderstorms.
Abby and Sylvia carpool from Santa Clarita. They call the drive back and forth to Cedars their “psychotherapy hour.” Abby, fast and funny, was born in the Philippines. She has been a nurse 27 years—Hoboken and then L.A. “Why nursing?” I ask.
“I got into the short line,” Abby says, and she and Sylvia fall into a fit of laughter. “I’m Chinese, and when you’re Chinese, you’re supposed to study math—go into accounting, banking. So I went with my girlfriends to apply to school. All of the lines were really long, but there was this one short line, so I got into that one.”
“It was the premed, premed tech and nursing line,” Sylvia adds, smiling widely.
“I passed the test,” Abby says, “and I said to my friends, ‘Nursing?! My mom is going to kill me.’ ”
The ER can bring out the worst in people—not just the patients but the people bringing in the patients. Week after week, I see fear breed anger and despicable manners. I ask Abby how she deals with that. “You can’t take it personally,” she says. “You have to get over it and move on.”
“What’s the joy in this job?” I ask Sylvia, who has three children and has been a Cedars nurse for 19 years—not long enough to dim her radiant smile.
“You get to help people,” she says. “You make a difference.”
The nurses remind me about the funny stuff: the toddler whose potty got stuck on her head when she tried to put it on like a hat; the four-year-old who shoved an aspirin up his nose. “Did you have a headache?” Rich asked the kid.
Some of the nurses are on their second careers. Paul, one of the calmest in the ER, was a Navy SEAL. Jerry, who could find a vein in a stone, was a fashion designer. Joe was in marketing at Anheuser Busch. “And then came 9-11,” he recalls, “and I was watching those firefighters on TV, and I just knew I had to change my life. I had to do something honorable.”
Clean-cut, in pressed scrubs and Clark Kent glasses, Joe is the one you’d want to marry your daughter. “Can you have the same compassion for a drug addict as you do for a cardiac arrest or the patient back for the third time with terminal cancer?” I ask.
“You have to. What about the guy booked on a double vehicular manslaughter, still drunk, spewing ef-yous and showing no remorse? He’d kept driving after he hit them,” Joe says, eyes narrowing. “You have to give him the same care.”
Lots of people are brought into the ER in cuffs—think of gang shootings, car wrecks, domestic violence. Bad guys get hurt just like good guys, and they’re all brought to the same ER.
Kelly wanted to be a cop. “First an actress, second a cop,” she says. Raised in Tennessee and Arkansas, she calls herself a hillbilly but looks like a movie star. She hunts, motorcycles, parachutes and has an 11-year-old son. A nurse for 10 years, she once did CPR on a woman in the ER driveway.
“I was triaging, the doors opened, and someone was yelling for help. It was the sound of the help; the hairs on the back of my neck stood up,” Kelly recalls. “Female, mid seventies, cold as a cucumber, not breathing, in the passenger seat. I pulled her down onto the cement. There wasn’t any time; her feet were still in the car.”
Flor nods. She, Kelly and I are at Du-par’s on their day off. “I did CPR on a doctor once,” she says. “We were moving him to the OR, and he went into cardiac arrest. I jumped up on the gurney, straddled him and did CPR—in the elevator. It probably didn’t look good,” she says, brown eyes wide.
Flor is a “good Catholic girl” from Manila—nuns and rosary beads to Kelly’s bikes and rifles. “My aunt was a nurse in the U.S., and when she’d come home, it was like she was a celebrity. People gathered around—they made a fiesta: We have to kill a pig,” she says, grinning. “They respected her, and I thought, I want to be like that.” She has been a nurse for 31 years. She has three kids in college and looks like she’s their age. “I’m a caregiver,” she says. “That’s what I took the oath for.”
Triage is the hardest, most ER nurses agree. It’s not just the patients’ vitals. What are the skin signs, the alertness, the level of consciousness? Sweaty, pale, faint, red? It’s not just their pain.
“Triage is the most dangerous,” Nili says.
“You use your clinical judgment to assess the patient. You can’t let anyone slip past you, and you can’t make a mistake.” Tall and impressive, if Nili walked into your room with a needle, you’d extend your arm. “Why did you go into nursing?” I ask.
“Oh,” she says shyly, “I was out of control at Cal State Northridge, and my parents said, ‘It’s either nursing school or leave home.’ ” She has been on the job for 16 years. “Not everyone can do it.”
Well, that’s for damn sure. I’ve seen Nili on the trauma team, suited up in blue plastic, waiting for the paramedics to arrive, like a solider about to take a hill. I’ve sat next to her at the radio when the LAFD calls. The silent blue lights in the corners of the ER flash and spin, and a nurse on the blue team hotfoots it to the radio room. “Cedars base, copy,” and the line crackles: “This is Rescue 41. I have a 57-year-old male, altered LOC, in moderate distress; this is Rescue 27, I have a 16-year-old female…” And on it goes.
“Every day is a crisis,” Nili says.
ER nurses don’t give long-term care. They don’t get to know you, and they don’t even know what happens to you after you leave the ER. They are a platoon of adrenaline junkies with invisible capes and angel wings, there to take care of you at your worst moments. And it never ends. “Patients are like waves of ocean hitting the beach,” Shari says. “New ones just replace the old ones.”
“If I have to cry, I cry,” Mark says. “You can’t carry it to the next shift.” Blond and lanky, he has the mischievous air of a reformed bad boy. He did 10 years as a paramedic before his 10 as a nurse, so he has seen his share. “I wanted to be that person who knew what to do, how to run a code—perfectly.” A code, even laypeople know, is when the heart stops.
Mark thinks about the process for a moment and flashes one of his rare smiles. “It can be a miracle,” he says.
“Does it scare you anymore?”
“No,” he says. “I’m either enlightened or f–ked up.”
Don’t Worry #1
My kids are worry warts. They are sometimes paralyzed by what if’s and worry about future school assignments etc. How can we educate and comfort our kids AND ourselves? This is the 1st of (I hope) many posts on the topic of worry.
Chapter 11 of Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning is a life changing concept and chapter. The chapter is titled: The Geography of Nowhere. The concept is simple. If we are NOT NOW HERE then we are NO WHERE! So lesson #1 is to live in the NOW. Don’t worry about the future or the past. Live in the Now Here.
“The music of what is happening,” said great Fionn, “that is the finest music in the world.” …The music of what is happening can be heard only in the present moment, right now, right here. Now/here spells now-here. To be fully present to whoever or whatever is immediately before us is to pitch a tent in the wilderness of Now-here. It is an act of radical trust-trust that God can be encountered at no other time and in no other place in the present moment. Being fully present in the now is perhaps the premier skill of the spiritual life.”-Chapter 11, Ruthless Trust by Manning
FEED the Poor: Oxfam Hunger Banquet
The Power of Forgiveness: Matthew 18
I know that I am getting a nudge to post when I am reading a chapter about forgiveness and I also happen to start listening to a podcast on forgiveness. These notes are a summary of a chapter on forgiveness in “You Were Born for This” by Bruce Wilkinson (Chapter 12: The Forgiveness Key), and the podcast is a sermon done by Mike Erre. As always, share your thoughts with us.
Forgiveness is VERY important to God and for us to embrace.
There is only ONE thing that we are called to do in the entire Lord’s Prayer: “Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors…”-Matthew 6:12
God, as represented by the King in Matthew 18, gets angry with those He has forgiven of an payable debt refuse to forgive others of a very small debt:
“…so My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trepasses…”-Matthew 18:35 (see also Matthew 6:14-15)
What will God do to us if we don’t forgive? He will ‘hand us over to the torturers’ (Matt 18:34). What?! What does this mean?! It means that God turns His people who refuse to forgive others over to the painful consequences of their own unforgiveness until the person, from their heart, forgives others their trespasses (debts). We will torment OURSELVES until we open our hearts and forgive.
3 key points to remember:
- Jesus: “Jesus forgave you. You can choose to forgive others.”
- Justice: “Vengeance belongs to God, not to you or me.”
- Jailer: “You are your own jailer. Your torment won’t end until you forgive. Then it will end immediately. You will be free. And that is what God wants for you.”
2 gifts occur when we forgive:
- “The person who brought injury has been forgiven…”
- “and a person who offended God by not forgiving has also been forgiven…” (see this post for a powerful story about this interchange)
To Quell or not to Quell your Emotions?
In reply to the post on emotions, we got a posted comment asking: How to quell your emotions? Here are some thoughts….
To quell or not to quell?
To Quell: YES! Join the crowd of men with distant non-emotive fathers from a family of origin of quellers. This is me. I am a queller. I have been well trained in the art. I even get a small whiff of emotion and I run for cover. The problem: Quelling leads to men (and women) who don’t know what to do with their emotions. We try to stuff them down deep, hide them, pretend they don’t exist, cover them with logic and hard work, but they are there in a very powerful way. We hide them only to realize that they direct so many of our actions. Even worse, the queller is prone to incredible outbursts of emotions often acting shocked, “Where did those come from?!” Under extreme stress emotions boil over into rage and angry explosions.
The queller has been trained in the art of disconnect. We are the superhero’s that are calm powerhouses of intellect and logic within our families of origin that are unraveling by alcohol and dysfunction. Robotic, we move through life seemingly unphased. Our war cry (sorry whisper): “I don’t need people! I don’t need emotional connection!”
When in reality that is what life is ALL about: Connectedness, relationship. Only when I was dropped to my knees by catastrophic circumstances in my own life was I finally forced to lean on my wife and others. And it was extremely painful for me to reach out to others.
Not to Quell:
“…listening to your emotions ushers you into reality and reality is where you meet God”-Peter Scazzero, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality
This is the way of true life: Knowing and embracing the reality of our emotions. The key is to be aware of what I am feeling, being aware of my emotions because otherwise we let our emotions fester and smolder and control us.
How do we listen to our emotions? How do we embrace and welcome our emotions as the window to reality?
We need to learn to get into a rhythm with our emotions. A few ‘tricks’ can be used. The first is called ‘tagging’. Recognize when anger, frustration, and other emotions are starting to boil and ‘tag’ then to discuss and retrieve them at a later time. Develop a pattern or rhythm of checking in with your spouse or close friend to discuss these ‘tagged’ emotions. The other ‘trick’ is to recognize your emotions before they overtake you. Recognize the situations and times when you can start to feel your emotions bubbling over and intervene at that moment. Recognize and analyze why the situation is giving you that emotional response. In time, this approach will allow you to acknowledge your emotions and address them in healthier ways rather than waiting until they sneak up and explode on you and those around you.
Finally, what can I do when my emotions (anger, frustration, etc) start to boil over? Here is the challenge as Teresa Avila said, “…learn to sit in the weeds (of your emotions)…” What is God trying to say to me through this emotion? Why am I feeling this emotion in this situation? What is the emotion saying about me? Emotions are simply a guide. Take a ‘time out’ to listen to God’s whisper, and remember that He is ALWAYS whispering to YOU that He loves and adores and DELIGHTS in YOU!
Emotions
“Emotions are the window to reality.” Really? I have not bought into that. Why? Probably because I was raised to be out of touch with my emotions. I strive at being non-emotive. But it turns out that emotions and their physiological effects play a key part in our decision making.
Why do police departments generally do not allow their officers to participate in high speed chases? What is the cause of most medical errors? Answer: Emotions. Really? Yes.
In Malcolm Gladwell’s book Blink, Gladwell points out that there is a physiological response to stress/fear/anger/ie our emotions. One of the findings reported by a police officer who has studied police shooting incidents has found that when we are stressed and our heart rate goes about 145 beats per minute we start to lose our ability to reason, think clearly, etc. There is a sweet spot to stress when our heart rate is between 110-145 our body responds by making our ability to think clearly sharper in this heart rate range. Some police departments have banned high speed car chases for this very reason. They have found that the police in a high speed chase are so stressed that they will often respond by being overly aggressive at the time of arrest.
Dr. Groopman in How Doctors Think points out that most medical errors are related to our emotions…
“But what I and my colleagues rarely recognized, and what physicians still rarely discussed as medical students, interns, residents, and indeed throughout their professional lives, is how other emotions influence a doctor’s perceptions and judgments, his actions and reactions. I long believed that the errors we made in medicine were largely technical ones—prescribing the wrong dose of a drug, transfusing a unit of blood matched for another person, mislabeling an x-ray of an arm as “right” instead of “left.” But as a growing body of research shows, technical errors account for only a small fraction of our incorrect diagnoses and treatments. Most errors are mistakes in thinking. And part of what causes these cognitive errors is our inner feelings, feelings we do not readily admit to and often don’t even recognize.”
Anxiety, the Worried Well, and Healthcare Reform
A friend just sent me this article from the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. It is insightful, true, funny, but a little harsh at times. The take home message is important: do not be anxious….
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
Emergency departments are distilleries that boil complex blends of trauma, stress and emotion down to the essence of immediacy: What needs to be done, right now, to fix the problem. Working the past 20 years in such environments has shown me with great clarity what is wrong (and right) with our nation’s medical system.
It’s obvious to me that despite all the furor and rancor, what is being debated in Washington currently is not health-care reform. It’s only health-care insurance reform. It addresses the undeniably important issues of who is going to pay and how, but completely misses the point of why.
Health care costs too much in our country because we deliver too much health care. We deliver too much because we demand too much. And we demand it for all the wrong reasons. We’re turning into a nation of anxious wimps.
I still love my job; very few things are as emotionally rewarding as relieving true pain and suffering, sharing compassionate care and actually saving lives. Illness and injury will always require the best efforts our medical system can provide. But emergency departments nationwide are being overwhelmed by the non-emergent, and doctors in general are asked to treat what doesn’t need treatment.
In a single night I had patients come in to our emergency department, most brought by ambulance, for the following complaints: I smoked marijuana and got dizzy; I got stung by a bee and it hurts; I got drunk and have a hangover; I sat out in the sun and got sunburn; I ate Mexican food and threw up; I picked my nose and it bled, but now it stopped; I just had sex and want to know if I’m pregnant.
Since all my colleagues and I have worked our shifts while suffering from worse symptoms than these (well, not the marijuana, I hope), we have understandably lost some of our natural empathy for such patients. When working with a cold, flu or headache, I often feel I am like one of those cute little animal signs in amusement parks that say “you must be taller than me to ride this ride” only mine should read “you must be sicker than me to come to our emergency department.” You’d be surprised how many patients wouldn’t qualify.
At a time when we have an unprecedented obsession with health (Dr. Oz, “The Doctors,” Oprah and a host of daytime talk shows make the smallest issues seem like apocalyptic pandemics) we have substandard national wellness. This is largely because the media focuses on the exotic and the sensational and ignores the mundane.
Our society has warped our perception of true risk. We are taught to fear vaccinations, mold, shark attacks, airplanes and breast implants when we really should worry about smoking, drug abuse, obesity, cars and basic hygiene. If you go by pharmaceutical advertisement budgets, our most critical health needs are to have sex and fall asleep.
Somehow we have developed an expectation that our health should always be perfect, and if it isn’t, there should be a pill to fix it. With every ache and sniffle we run to the doctor or purchase useless quackery such as the dietary supplement Airborne or homeopathic cures (to the tune of tens of billions of dollars a year). We demand unnecessary diagnostic testing, narcotics for bruises and sprains, antibiotics for our viruses (which do absolutely no good). And due to time constraints on physicians, fear of lawsuits and the pressure to keep patients satisfied, we usually get them.
Yet the great secret of medicine is that almost everything we see will get better (or worse) no matter how we treat it. Usually better.
The human body is exquisitely talented at healing. If bodies didn’t heal by themselves, we’d be up the creek. Even in an intensive care unit, with our most advanced techniques applied, all we’re really doing is optimizing the conditions under which natural healing can occur. We give oxygen and fluids in the right proportions, raise or lower the blood pressure as needed and allow the natural healing mechanisms time to do their work. It’s as if you could put your car in the service garage, make sure you give it plenty of gas, oil and brake fluid and that transmission should fix itself in no time.
The bottom line is that most conditions are self-limited. This doesn’t mesh well with our immediate-gratification, instant-action society. But usually that bronchitis or back ache or poison ivy or stomach flu just needs time to get better. Take two aspirin and call me in the morning wasn’t your doctor being lazy in the middle of the night; it was sound medical practice. As a wise pediatrician colleague of mine once told me, “Our best medicines are Tincture of Time and Elixir of Neglect.” Taking drugs for things that go away on their own is rarely helpful and often harmful.
We’ve become a nation of hypochondriacs. Every sneeze is swine flu, every headache a tumor. And at great expense, we deliver fantastically prompt, thorough and largely unnecessary care.
There is tremendous financial pressure on physicians to keep patients happy.
But unlike business, in medicine the customer isn’t always right. Sometimes a doctor needs to show tough love and deny patients the quick fix.
A good physician needs to have the guts to stand up to people and tell them that their baby gets ear infections because they smoke cigarettes. That it’s time to admit they are alcoholics. That they need to suck it up and deal with discomfort because narcotics will just make everything worse. That what’s really wrong with them is that they are just too damned fat. Unfortunately, this type of advice rarely leads to high patient satisfaction scores.
Modern medicine is a blessing which improves all our lives. But until we start educating the general populace about what really affects health and what a doctor is capable (and more importantly, incapable) of fixing, we will continue to waste a large portion of our health-care dollar on treatments which just don’t make any difference.
Michael Werdmann, MD
Life Principle #2: Give Honest, Sincere Appreciation
I have been struck by the power of affirmation and appreciation. I have also been struck by the destructive power of criticism.
Recently I tried to encourage someone to always find the good, always look for the opportunity to compliment and appreciate, and never complain or criticize. Their response was, “But if you only knew that person, if you only knew how difficult they can be, and how much criticism they deserve.”
This response misses the point completely! It was only when I dropped the contempt and criticisms did I start to see the gifts in the other person. It is only when you look for the appreciation will the critical spirit in YOU fade away.
It is NOT about the other person; it is about YOU. It is about healing YOUR image of yourself, the world around you, and others.
Our marriages and relationships would truly be transformed if we followed Carnegie’s first 2 principles always leading with this one.
“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people…the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loathe to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise… in my wide association in life, meeting with many and great people in various parts of the world… I have yet to find a person, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.”-Charles Schwab
“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learned from him.”-Emerson
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Carnegie:
- “That is what Schwab did. What do average people do? The exact opposite. If they don’t like to think, they ball out their subordinates; if they do like it, they say nothing. As the old couplet says: “once I did bad and that I heard ever/twice I did good, but that I heard never.”-pg 38
- “I once succumbed to the Fad of fasting and went for six days and nights without eating… I was less hungry at the end of the sixth day than I was at the end of the second. Yet I know, as you know, people who think they had committed a crime if they let their families or employees go for six days without food; but they will let them go for six days, six weeks, and sometimes 60 years without giving them the hearty appreciation that they crave almost as much as they crave food.”-pg 40
- ” When Alfred Lunt, one of the great actors of his time, played the leading role in Reunion in Vienna, he said, “there is nothing I need so much as nourishment for my self-esteem.” We nurish the bodies of our children and friends and employees but how seldom do we nurish their self-esteem? We provide them with roast beef and potatoes to build energy, but we neglect to give them kind words of appreciation that would sing in their memories for years like the music of the morning stars.”-pg 40 one
- “When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95% of our time thinking about ourselves. Now [just imagine], if we [ could] stop thinking about ourselves for awhile and begin to think of the other person’s good points…”-pg 41
- “Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips. You’ll be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit.”-pg 42
- “Pamela Dunham of a New Fairfield, Connecticut, had among her responsibilities on her job the supervision of a janitor who was doing a very poor job. The other employees would jeer at him and litter the hallways to show him what a bad job he is doing. It was so bad, productive time was being lost in the shop. Without success, Pam tried various ways to motivate this person. She noticed that occasionally he did a particularly good piece of work. She made a point to praise him for it in front of the other people. Each day the job he did all around got better, and pretty soon he started doing all his work efficiently. Now he does an excellent job and other people give them appreciation and recognition. Honest appreciation got results where criticism and ridicule failed.”-pg 42
- “Hurting people not only does not change them, it is never called for. There is an old saying that I’ve cut out and pasted on my mirror where I cannot help but see it every day: ‘I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not deferring or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.'”-pg 42
- “Let’s cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants. Let’s try to figure out the other person’s good points.”-pg 43
Sex & Intimacy at Mariners Church
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