What is the question that will change your day?

The other night working in the Emergency Department I was dog tired as I picked up a chart of a patient to see.  After I obtained the pertinent medical information from this patient, I then asked my 94 year old patient, “Where were you during world war 2?”

He proceeded to share a little known story about his time working with General Patton.  The patient told me that even his own grandkids don’t ask nor seem interested in his life experiences.  It was an interesting and amazing patient interaction.  I left that conversation so energized that the last 2 hours of my shift flew by.

Reflecting on this event, reminds me of the power of our ability to choose what perspective we will be in and what powerful question we can ask of ourselves and others.  Perspective: It is amazing to me how quickly I can shift from ‘dog tired’ perspective to ‘wow what an incredible patient and story’ perspective–shifting from falling asleep to being fully awake–better than any cup of caffeine!  Question: It is fun and shocking the power of a question to shift our thoughts and energy levels.  I recently asked at a dinner party: What do you crave?  This one question made for a deep and meaningful and laughter filled discussion.

What is the question that you could ask at work and at home that would energize or change your day for the better?

 

The Sage & The Saboteur: How to Overcome Your Limiting Beliefs

Do you remember the old cartoons that depicted an angel and a devil on each of your shoulders?  Well it turns out that we have a Sage and the Saboteur in our brains.  The Saboteur is a ‘voice’ or thoughts and feelings that was adaptive in our early development and when we were being chased by Saber Tooth Tigers.  It is an early warning ‘voice’ that may say early on in our lives, “Don’t even try to jump that fence because if you do, you will break your leg.”  However, this ‘voice’ grows up with us and becomes our limiting beliefs voice.  It begins to tell us, “You are not enough.” and “You are a failure.” and “You will never amount to anything.”  Ever heard that voice?  I certainly have, and I continue to hear it AND listen to it.

The other ‘voice’ is that of the Sage.  It tells us things like, “You are enough.” and “It is possible.” and “You can do it.”  It turns out that if we train ourselves to listen to this ‘voice’, our brain runs/functions much better in fact studies have shown over 30-40% better!  When we listen to this positive Sage ‘voice’, our brains are flooded with dopamine and serotonin–chemicals that immediately enhance our brains learning centers allowing us to think more quickly and creatively, solve problems better and see and create new ways of doing things.

If you are like me, you hear the ‘voice’ of the saboteur more than the Sage.  And if you are not hearing the saboteur, it means that you have not become aware of it or it is doing a great job of tricking you into believing that it is speaking the truth
or at least speaking things that are helping you.  The saboteur may have convinced you that without it’s advice you would make stupid choices or become lazy, but nothing is further from the truth.  The saboteur ‘voice’ that says, “Now, that was a stupid thing to do.” often will continue that mantra over and over again creating more sleeplessness and more anxiety whereas the Sage’s approach might be to say, “So you made a mistake, to err is human, and this mistake could be made into an opportunity depending on how you react to it.”

Ok. Interesting.  Now what.  The key to weakening The saboteur ‘voice’ (note: most of us have multiple Saboteur ‘voices’ such as a judger and a pleaser and a controller etc.) is:
1. Don’t fight them/it
2. Simply observe and notice the saboteur thoughts and feelings when they arise
3. Tag or label these thoughts or feelings every time you notice them (some who are in training against the saboteur will keep a journal or jot down a quick note when they notice the saboteur thoughts and feelings aka ‘voice’)

50 No’s & 5 Yes’s: How to Treat Overwhelm?

Overwhelm is a HOT topic.  We all feel overwhelmed at some time in our lives.  Our To-Do lists are stuffed to the gills, and we walk around in a To-Do list haze so overwhelmed that we are so busy listening to the tape playing in our heads of what we need To-Do instead of capturing all the amazing things happening all around us.

Solutions?  Burn the To-Do list?  Maybe.

1. Practice Present Perfect: Our brains are designed to be in the present moment, but our To-Do lists and overwhelm feelings and thoughts are predominantly in the future.  The studies show that by not being focused in the present our brainsare much less efficient so the overwhelm and To-Do lists are actually making us less productive.  How do we practice being more present?  Keep a 3×5 card in your pocket or jot down notes in your smartphone when you are in a moment that you have lost track of time in.  These moments of flow are the present moments that bathe our brain in the chemicals that make us more efficient, more productive, and are the antidote for overwhelm.

2. Purpose:  It is easy to live in the land of overwhelm when we lose site of our purpose.  When was the last time you were truly thrilled? What was your most recent peak experience?  Tapping into these moments will help you focus on doing the things that you were made to do.  The things that you were made to do are those things that thrill you.  Get in touch with your thrilling moments and you will begin to get in touch with your Yes’s.  Now list the 1-5 things that you most love to do at work, at home, etc.  This is your YES list.   These are the To-Do items that you were designed to Do and Be with.

3. Prioritize:  Starting with No’s leads to less overwhelm and more YES.  I recently challenged one of my clients to put together a list of 50 No’s.  50 items that he is going to say no to.  What is on our list of No’s?  Which of these No’s are you going to commit to?  I would love to say No to checking my email on my smartphone when out to dinner…..The NO list is the list that frees us up to say YES.

 

Is Life and The People In It Passing You By?

So often I live my life like the guy in this video.  Rushing around to get done all my to do’s while

not taking notice of those around me, not connecting, and not taking in all that is available in the moments.

This video reminds me to slow down and be mindful of those around me and to stop and take in each and every moment as if it were our last.

The Gecko & The Geek

Our brain is often at war with itself.  The primitive emotional centers (The Gecko) vs. the advanced intellectual centers (The Geek). The Gecko gets us in trouble because it’s only capacity is to react whereas the Geek thinks, then reacts.

The Geko takes over when we are feeling stressed or out of control, and it reacts with fight or flight.  Unfortunately, This does not happen consciously, and The Gecko causes us not to think straight, react instead of act, fight first ask questions later, and put our foot in our mouth.  When stresses pile up and we feel out of control, the Gecko shows up, and we become less productive, effective, and lose our decision-making abilities.  In fact, scientific studies have shown that when we experience too much stress and overwhelm, our performance tanks.  Stressful things like financial loss are actually processed in the same area of the brain that responds to mortal danger aka The Gecko area.  We have all learned often the hard way that we make horrible decisions when we are under financial stress or any type of stress.

 

How can we be more Geek and less Gecko?

  1. Self-awareness.  Studies show that when you put people under high levels of stress, those who are quickest to recover are those who can identify how they are feeling and express their feelings into words.  Scientists, using brain scans, confirm that people who talk about and/or write about their feelings at the time they are experiencing negative emotions immediately over come these negative thoughts and feelings which improves their well-being and enhances their decision making skills.
  2. Make 2 lists: things you have control over and things that you don’t.  Burn the list that you have no control over–they are out of your control! And focus on the areas that you have control over.  So no news is good news after all.  I have made it a habit of not reading the newspaper and watching the news on TV because it only stresses me out.  Now I know why it stresses me out, and why it has been scientifically shown to be counterproductive.  It fills my brain with things that I have no control over allowing my Gecko to run wild.  So maybe we should change the phrase “G.I.G.O” from Garbage In Garbage Out to Garbage In Gecko Out.

Work Life Balance vs. Well Being

This article points out that well being is more important measure than work life balance.  If we have great work life balance but we hate our work and our life, then even though we have work life balance, we are miserable.  We need to look to well being: finding ways to be happy and content in our work and our life.

Why Work-Life Balance Isn’t Balanced

It’s necessary, but not sufficient. Here’s why focusing on wellbeing makes more sense.

by Yamini Tandon

Sheela was doing well in her job. She had an eight-hour workday, great friends, a supportive family, good health, and she was paid well. Everyone around her thought she was happy and lived an ideal life.

Sheela was well-compensated and appeared to have time to balance her career and personal life. But she was struggling.

But Sheela’s life was actually a mess. Her overly aggressive boss thought nothing of shouting at her in front of her colleagues. Though Sheela was a good performer, she was constantly anxious about the next time her supervisor would berate her. Though she was expected to work eight-hour days, her boss would call her at any time of the day or night.

Sheela began to dread hearing her cellphone ring and was so worried all the time that she couldn’t even sleep. She fretted that her colleagues and friends would lose respect for her, and she lost so much confidence that she couldn’t handle even the simplest of social interactions. Sheela began to spend less time with her friends and family, where she would have to put up a brave face, and instead devoted more hours to work, where she could worry freely, obsessing over every detail of her job to the point of compulsiveness.

By most traditional measures of work-life balance, Sheela was doing quite well. She was handsomely compensated for an eight-hour workday, and she appeared to have enough free time to balance her career and personal life. But in reality, Sheela was struggling. What’s more, her frustrations would not be picked up by conventional measures of wellbeing, because those measures don’t take into account the quality of people’s experiences, nor do they incorporate people’s own evaluations of their lives. Instead, those measures rely on factors like income and number of hours worked, under the assumption that these factors determine the quality of people’s lives.

Beyond work-life balance

When the idea of work-life balance was first introduced, it was a revolutionary concept. In the 18thand 19th centuries, the Industrial Revolution and its resulting shift to manufacturing work made it possible for employers to require workers to labor longer hours than ever before in human history. In some industries, people toiled 14 to 16 hours a day, six to seven days a week.

As researchers began to study the impact that these long hours had on stress levels, health, and family life, the idea of work-life balance gained currency, and many countries began to legislate limits to the workweek. Most developed nations now mandate 40-46 working hours per week, with a minimum of two weeks per year of holiday/vacation.

The concept of work-life balance has been instrumental in influencing these changes and bringing about an improvement in the quality of life that is assumed to accompany shorter working hours. But the concept is useful only up to a point. Globalization has undermined the relevance of reducing worker hours to achieve work-life balance and has revealed limitations; the most significant is that at some point, limiting hours further is just not sustainable.

France has mandated a 35-hour workweek, for example. But what can the country do next? The workweek can’t be reduced indefinitely, as this has implications for a country’s economic viability and competitiveness. In a globalized world, if workers in one country are unwilling to work for economically viable hours, then businesses will migrate to a country where they are willing to do so. In countries such as India and Pakistan, workers are motivated to work 10- to 12-hour workdays — and this is unlikely to change soon due to the large number of workers willing to do so to move up the economic ladder.

Another problem with the concept of work-life balance is that it takes the number of working hours into account but not the quality of the working experience. A person may spend 35 hours a week at work, but if that worker, like Sheela, has an abrasive manager or is in a highly stressful job or one that is not suited to her natural talents, then those manageable work hours are unlikely to enhance her quality of life. Conversely, a person may choose to work long hours because it allows her to progress in her career or to build a social system at work.

Thus, the assumption that reduced hours at work lead to an improvement in personal life is too narrow, and probably faulty. Other factors, such as social support, health, safety, and job fit, contribute greatly to the quality of a person’s life. Since the concept of work-life balance doesn’t take into account these significant factors, it does not provide direction as to how people can actually improve the quality of their lives, except for reducing the hours spent at work. As such, it is not actionable.

The assumption that reduced hours at work lead to an improvement in personal life is too narrow, and probably faulty

How we think about and experience our lives

A more comprehensive concept — one that’s more appropriate for the 21st-century economy — is that of wellbeing, which includes factors that contribute to our experiences and our perception of our lives. Until recently, wellbeing has been seen as an esoteric concept that is difficult to define and quantify. It is most commonly understood as relating to wealth or health, perhaps because of the ease with which these things can be measured.

One reason that wellbeing has been difficult to define is that it means different things to different people depending on what they consider important. To one person, it may mean prosperity or wealth; to another, it may mean values or community involvement or the realization of one’s potential. This is why wellbeing should be measured at the individual level, though it may be aggregated for organizations, communities, and nations. And any measure of wellbeing must be broad enough to incorporate an individual’s own choices and purpose in life while being specific enough to be compared and aggregated to facilitate action that can improve it.

Gallup has developed a wellbeing metric that includes the five key elements of wellbeing: Career, Social, Financial, Physical, and Community. These five distinct factors emerged from research that Gallup conducted across countries, languages, and vastly different life situations. Because these elements of wellbeing are universal, they can be measured and reported on for individuals, organizations, cities, countries, and regions around the world.

Because Gallup’s wellbeing assessment measures these elements individually in addition to yielding an overall score, it is actionable: The assessment gives individuals, organizations, cities, and countries the ability to manage wellbeing by undertaking actions to improve it. If an individual has relatively low Social Wellbeing, for example, she would do well to focus her efforts on improving interpersonal relationships with friends and family.

This can be managed over time. As her Social Wellbeing increases, she may choose to concentrate on Career Wellbeing, for instance, or choose to address both elements by spending time socializing with colleagues and making friends at work. In this way, wellbeing can be measured and managed comprehensively at the individual, as well as government, state, city, or corporate levels, by taking its various components and their interactions into account.

Conventional metrics such as employment status, income, educational level, hours worked, and women’s participation in the workforce are necessary to understand an economy, but they are insufficient when it comes to understanding and evaluating overall life satisfaction. Unless we begin to use a metric of a life well-lived — as measured by one’s own experiences and evaluation — people like Sheela will continue to be under the radar, aware that something is amiss, but without an idea why or what to do about it.

The Five Essential Elements of WellbeingFor more than 50 years, Gallup scientists have been exploring the demands of a life well-lived. More recently, in partnership with leading economists, psychologists, and other acclaimed scientists, Gallup has uncovered the common elements of wellbeing that transcend countries and cultures. This research revealed the universal elements of wellbeing that differentiate a thriving life from one spent suffering. They represent five broad categories that are essential to most people:

  • Career Wellbeing: how you occupy your time — or simply liking what you do every day
  • Social Wellbeing: having strong relationships and love in your life
  • Financial Wellbeing: effectively managing your economic life
  • Physical Wellbeing: having good health and enough energy to get things done on a daily basis
  • Community Wellbeing: the sense of engagement you have with the area where you live

Thankful Lyrics

“Thankful” by Josh Groban

Somedays we forget
To look around us
Somedays we can’t see
The joy that surrounds us
So caught up inside ourselves
We take when we should give.

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be.
And on this day we hope for
What we still can’t see.
It’s up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There’s so much to be thankful for.

Look beyond ourselves
There’s so much sorrow
It’s way too late to say
I’ll cry tomorrow
Each of us must find our truth
It’s so long overdue

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And every day we hope for
What we still can’t see
It’s up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There’s so much to be thankful for.

Even with our differences
There is a place we’re all connected
Each of us can find each other’s light

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And on this day we hope for
What we still can’t see
It’s up to us to be the change
And even though this world needs so much more

There’s so much to be thankful for

The Age of Overwhelm?

I have recently had some interesting conversations with 20 somethings who are STRESSED!  Stressed about relationships, about school, about work, about life.  They feel overwhelmed and anxious.

I have recently had some interesting conversations with 30 somethings who are STRESSED!  kids running around zapping their intimacy, chaos creating lack of connection, overworked, overwhelmed.

I have recently had some interesting conversations with 40 somethings who are STRESSED! Ok. You get the idea.

Stress is everpresent.  We hear that our 20’s are supposed to be carefree time to enjoy life.  We hear that our 30’s are time to settle down and make a family….etc.  But we let our 20’s pass by with busyness, stress, overwhelm, and our 30’s pass by with a marriage that dissolves from lack of intimacy, lack of connection…

What are we to do?

20’s: Develop the skills to recognize and manage stress

30’s: Create healthy patterns in our marriages–daily time outs with our spouse to check in and really connect/communicate, find scheduled times for intimacy, date each other, recognize the importance of Mom and Dad’s relationship coming ahead of the kids.

 

What Are Our BEST Moments?

The high energy cases.  The patients that take up all the time, effort, AND ENERGY always seem to be the ones that create the most discussion and stress among us (doctors, nurses, etc.).  We always raise such a fuss and express so much frustration, anxiety, and stress when the ‘difficult’ patient arrives.  You know the ones: too much alcohol, too much craziness, too much neediness…  When these ‘difficult’ patients are not around everything moves smoothly.  We are in autopilot.  Isn’t ironic that the ‘difficult’ patients and situations at work turn up the energy?  From mundane to stresssss!  But these are the patients and situations that generate all our energy, all of our discussions.  When our loved ones ask about work, we share with them about the high energy moments.  These ‘difficult’ patients and moments are often the only thing(s) we remember about the day.

Contrary to what we usually believe–the passive, relaxing times are the best moments of our lives.  What if our best moments are occurring right before our eyes when our bodies and minds are stretched to the limits in our efforts to deal with these ‘difficult’ patients, people, and situations (This is what Professor Csikszentmihalyi points out in his landmark book: Flow).  What if the ‘difficult’ is really the technicolor of our lives?  If you are like me, I am thinking that these difficult times are the worst times, filled with negative energy, negative feelings, etc.  BUT I am working to change my perspective on this.  As I become more aware of these ‘difficult’ moments, I am able to embrace them, explore them, feel them…because in the end, they may actually be the best or at least the most memorable moments of our lives so let’s look at them for just that…technicolor, heart racing, fully alive, high energy moments…