Category Archives: marriage

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Start the New Year with a Resolution: A Daily Devotional

Now is the time to start a yearly devotional.  It is imperative to our walk with Christ to be in a devotional daily. The secret to the best devotionals? Reading the Bible (And if you do this every year, one way to motivate you to keep going is to read through the Bible in a different translation than one that you usually read e.g. New Living Translation, New American Standard, God’s Word, to name a few):

1. The Discipleship Journal has several options (I am doing this one this year) AND I am using a different Bible translation: Holman Christian Standard Bible AND I am reading the Bible using The Apologetics Study Bible which is excellent for those with a lot of questions.

2. A One Year Bible is a great way to go

A few GREAT options for those who want to do a daily devotion but not read through the Bible:

1. The One Year Book of Church History (I just finished this one, and it was AMAZING! I HIGHLY recommend it.)

2. Promises by Bill Bright (I did this one years ago. It is excellent, but I think it is out of print.)

3. Our Daily Bread: You can download it to your PDA, read it online, or order a paper copy. (I have done this one for years, and it is simple, concise and FREE! They will send you a free copy FOREVER–even tracked me down when I moved across the country!)

4. The One Year Book of Bible Prayer is another great option.

5. walkthru.org has a eDevotion that is sent to you via email, and they have some GREAT paper devotionals

(Their Daily Walk will walk you through the Bible in a year, and their Closer Walk will walk you through the New Testament in a year–both are excellent.)

Finally there are some GREAT audio options:

1.  The Bible Experience (you can buy on itunes via audiobooks or at their website)  I have bought the book of John and the Psalms and listened through it.  They are VERY good. 

2. The Bible Podcast is a FREE audio version of the Bible that is also excellent.

It doesn’t matter what you do as much as doing SOME form of daily devotion.  Ideally you are reading the Bible daily.

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Men’s Topic #12: The Christmas Story

Hello Everyone,

Before I forget, last Wednesday, was our final meeting of the year; our next meeting will be on Wednesday, January 7, 2009. 

Bucky gave us the alternative Christmas story and Drew challenged us to read it this year rather than the one from Luke.   That “story” is the Gospel of John, chapter 1, verses 1-14.  I personally never looked at these verses in this way before.  Take a few minutes to read the material, then answer the first question we had; what is unique about the way John tells the Christmas story? 

 

I learn so much through Bucky’s teaching and our sharing time it is difficult for me to write about one or two things we covered.  I want to write about all of them; but I cannot.  In verse 10 it says, “He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him.”  Think about it, even today, there are people putting up lights and playing Christmas songs but they do not know why; they still do not recognize Him.  How can we help those around us see Jesus?  Doesn’t your heart go out to them?  This is a time when families will gather together.  Most every family has at least one non-believer. Maybe this will be the year YOU can be the light that turns away their darkness.  Maybe your testimony as to why you celebrate the birth of Christ will be the one that wins them over (remember, you are the plan).  I met with Bucky on Wednesday afternoon.  One reason was because I have certain family members I want dearly to come to know Christ.  Bucky suggested I share why I celebrate Christmas.   I pray this will be the time.  I also know I cannot force any truth on them; remember; grace opens the door to truth.  It is God’s timing, not mine.  I must give up control and place my faith and trust in Him in every aspect of my life. 

Patrick gave a great analogy on Wednesday comparing our salvation to a boy opening a present.  I encourage you to ask him about it.  Patrick, maybe you could record it for Uberlumen.  There was one other thing Patrick said that wowed me; “can you imagine going through today, just today, without forgiveness?”  Wow, incredible, huh?  Thank you, Patrick.

Since it is Christmas, I know what you can get yourself.  If you don’t already have one, get yourself a mentor.  Start the New Year by meeting with someone who knows more than you and absorb it like a sponge.  If you aren’t sure who can be your mentor, ask Bucky or any one of the elders.  They will be glad to help or suggest someone for you.

Have a blessed time celebrating the birth of Christ.

 

In His Service,
Dave
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Why do I date other men?

Laughter is often the first response when I share with others that I “date” other men, but they soon realize that I am serious.  I have developed deep, intimate, tell all relationships with several men in my life, and it has transformed my marriage, my parenting, and my life.  It is a fundamental piece of being fully alive.

How do you do this?

1. First: Finding the right man for you.  What does this future confidant look like? 

a. CHEMISTRY: We all know that there are certain people that we have ‘chemistry’ with.  There are some guys that you know that you really enjoy their company, and their personalities mesh with yours.  How do you find them? You have to get involved! Go to men’s group!

b. VOLUNTERABILITY: It takes stepping out–moving beyond your comfort zone and removing your mask.  This is the toughest step.  It will take time to break down the walls that we as men construct to keep everyone away.  You have to start with small forays into sharing a little carve out of your struggles and pains to see how it goes.  If you find the right guy, he will respond in kind, and you both will continue to grow deeper in your friendship.

c. TRUST: You have to set up a wall around your relationship with this guy.  Once you establish that this may be the right guy, and you have started the process of volunterability.  You will need at some point to establish boundaries to protect your ‘secrets’.  This is a verbal agreement to keep what you each share confidential.

2. Second: What do you do with the right guy?

a. TIME: You have to carve out the time to meet.  It is essential that you have an agreement to meet weekly or biweekly.  I have also developed a habit of calling (yes often daily) to check in and catch up when I can’t meet that week or so.

b. TALK: What usually happens when you have the time to meet or talk on the phone? Men talk about…..NOTHING! The weather, sports, etc.  STOP! I need to intentially STOP, and get on subject.  This is key because I STILL do this with my confidants! I find that we have burned through the time we have together by talking about nothing substantial.  Don’t get me wrong, these topics are fun and important commaradirie…BUT it is just what they say it is: SMALL talk.  The BIG talk must be done, and it can be hard work.  Ask and Listen.  How is your marriage going? What was the last fight about with your bride? How are each of your kids? How are you doing with your struggles? etc.

3. Third: Why?

Deep, intimate fellowship with a brother WILL transform your life! It will make you a better husband, father, friend, co-worker, and ‘little’ Christ.

A friend sent me a link to an entry on his blog that describes the importance and power of joining a group of men: “Some Honest Men”  

Try it! And let us know your thoughts.

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Love Languages

We all hear and feel LOVED in different ways.  In his landmark book: The 5 LOVE Languages, Gary Chapman explains that there are 5 main ways that we hear and/or feel LOVED.  If we can take the time to learn our LOVE language (the language that makes us feel LOVED), and learn our spouse, family members, neighbor, and patients LOVE languages, we can ‘speak’ to them in THEIR LOVE language.  This is VERY important because we often can only feel or hear LOVE when people speak to us in the LOVE language that we can hear or feel.  If your spouse’s LOVE language is QUALITY TIME, then you can do the dishes and clean the house for the REST of your life, and he or she may NEVER feel LOVED! Strange but VERY true.  So STOP spinning your wheels and learn that her or his LOVE language is QUALITY TIME and see how it transforms your relationship by simply spending TIME with her or him!  Yes, it can be that easy.

The 5 love languages are:

QUALITY TIME

GIFTS

ACTS OF SERVICE

PHYSICAL TOUCH

WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

What is your love language? What is your spouses? What are your kids? Take this quiz and find out and begin to grow deeper and more fulfilling relationships!

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Men’s Topic #10: Intimacy is BETTER than Sex

We had a GREAT time today listening and learning how to be a Christ like lover to our wives.  We are called to love her–sacrafically and unconditionally–as Christ loved us.  We discussed love languages, knowing your family of origin baggage allows healing and enlightenment into present struggles, and Drew’s ‘top 10’ marriage tips. Here is the outline and discussion questions.

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Men’s Topic #9: Thankfulness

“If anyone would tell you the shortest, surest way to all happiness and all perfection, he must tell you to make a rule to yourself to thank and praise God for everything that happens to you…it is certain that whatever seeming calamity happens to you, if you thank and praise God for it you turn it into a blessing…it heals and turns all that it touches into happiness….every day….be made a day of thanksgiving…”-William Law

 

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.”~Thornton Wilder

“The Pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts.  No Americans have been more impoverished than these who, nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving.”~H.U. Westermayer

Thankfulness is a state of our hearts.  Practicing the state of thankfulness for EVERYTHING develops in us a heart for others and for God.  Smile and embrace those around you on this day of thanks!

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Men’s Topic #8: Superhero’s

I had an ‘aha’ moment several weeks ago.  Most of the successful men that I know are superheros.  Yes men of steel.  These men are able to detach in a moment’s notice, disengage from wives and family, and ‘puff up’ and plow through any situation.

These men come from wounded back grounds.  Family of origin nightmares.  A distant father and an overbearing mother.  At least one of their parents is inevitably an alcoholic or worse.  At a VERY early age these men hide behind perfection.  When the drunk mom and the distant dad become too much, they amp up and shut off ANY emotions from the outside world and OVER achieve, over and over again.

Over and over again, I hear the same story–abandoned by dad and living with a crazy mom who must spend all her energy raising the prodigal younger brother so the eldest son emerges to save the day: captain of the football, track, AND wrestling team….and did I mention validictorian?  abandoned by a distant dad and living with a drunk mom too spent to supervise the youngest and last kid in the house so this son rises up to MVP of the water polo team, etc.  SAME story different details!

When these men grow up it is no surprise that they live Thoreau’s ‘quiet lives of desperation’ sealed off from any emotions from any chance of intimacy and deep meaningful relationships.

I was amazed by listening to the author of “The Shack” (a MUST read) who described himselft as just such a man hiding his baggage-his “shack”, as he called it, behind him while he hid his true brokenness from the world by perfectionism.

Please enjoy this presentation regarding so many men’s hidden secret: They are superhero’s.

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Men’s Topic #6: Love the one you’re with

Our topic this week was about LOVING your spouse.  In our OC world everyone is looking for more, coveting, and thinking that ‘the grass is always greener’.   If you want a GREAT marriage, you have to stop looking at the other lawns and stop and water your own grass! i.e. a GREAT marriage takes SACRIFICE and HARD WORK and COMMITTMENT to LOVE her with CHRIST’S LOVE!

Our Scripture for this week is: Ephesians 5:25-33

Here is Dave’s summary email:

I want to thank Robby for being a man of courage; it isn’t easy getting up in front of a bunch of men when you are the youngest and possibly the least experienced in the group regarding the topic you were speaking on. Robby spoke on Ephesians 5:25-33. If you haven’t read it in a while please do so. It offers great marital advice. Robby told us how he sees love – as an action word, not a feeling. Love, Robby said, is not about us but about other people. Verse 25 states, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Then, smack dab in the middle of those verses is the line, “He who loves his wife loves himself.” Wow, pretty powerful, huh?

Some things that went around the room during our discussion time were:

– Love has nothing to do with the physical and everything to do with the heart

– Jesus is our love coach

– Marriages get neglected in the name of material success

– Show love by praying with and for one another; you cannot be angry with someone if you are praying with/for them

– Know your spouse’s “love language,” whether it is gifts, affirmation, physical touch, time or service (from Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages)

– Spend some quality, uninterruptible time on the couch with your spouse when you first get home from work (“couch time”)

– Get rid of your television and your children’s cell phones

– If together, we can keep our eyes focused on Jesus rather than the imperfect human beings we are, and ask Him to love our spouse through us, we will grow closer to Him and to our spouse – as you both grow closer to Christ you grow closer to each other….

As always, please share your thoughts/comments with us!
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MARRIAGE TIPS & RESOURCES

Marriage is hard work, but it is worth the effort.

If you are having a hard time with your marriage:

1. Don’t give up! Studies show that divorce can be truly devastating to you, your spouse, and especially your kids.1 2

2. Get professional help!  Don’t try and work through your issues on

your own. Read these books, go to marriage retreats, and get into

consistent marriage counseling.

3. Set down healthy patterns! Find or read about good patterns and then follow them.

 

RESOURCES:

MARRIAGE TOP 10 ‘TIPS’

 

BOOKS TO READ:

1. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

2. His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Hartley

3. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman

4. Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires,The Respect He Desperately Needsby Emerson Eggerichs

5. Night Light: A Devotional for Couples by the Dobson’s

 

As always, PLEASE share with us your insights and comments below.

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Men’s Topic #5: PRAYER

Here are the notes from Dave on Men’s Group Topic #5: Prayer  

On Wednesday we reviewed Luke 11:5-13 and Luke 18:1-7 (please read, or re-read them before continuing). 

Bucky makes so many great points each week it is a challenge to write about just one or two.  I selfishly get to pick the ones that touch my heart and pray they will touch yours, too.

We all know where Bucky’s heart is on the subject of prayer because he stated on Wednesday, “the best thing we could do is pray.”  I’ve been blessed to be able to attend a few events with Bucky and one thing he makes sure happens is that prayer is part of the event.  For example, after serving those in need at the City of Hope shelter a couple of months ago we stood in front of the door and Bucky led us in prayer.  Bucky often says how he walks around the Northwood neighborhood and prays before service.  So it did not surprise me when our discussion this week focused on prayer. When all is said and done if we do not become men of prayer we will never know God.  We can “study” His word all we want but we will never know Him.  Prayer is nothing more than talking to God; it is not ceremonial or ritualistic; it is a conversation with our Lord and Savior.  Bucky said we can go through the routine of prayer but if it is just rote that is disconnected from your heart it will not accomplish anything.  Prayer needs a willing and wanting heart.  Getting on your knees at the beginning and/or end of each day and praying is something to be done not out of “duty” but out of desire.  How else can you get to know God if you do not talk to Him? Another point Bucky made was that each morning when the disciples awoke they usually found Jesus out alone, praying.  He was talking to His Abba.  Jesus’ Abba is our Abba, too.  The point of Luke 11:5-13, is to show us God isn’t a grouchy Father, but a Good Neighbor; the One we can talk to anytime, anywhere.  If we knock, He will answer.  God is always there for us.  A little while back Bill Gaultiere had Cynthia and me demonstrate the “prayer hug” we do almost every morning.  It is amazing how Cynthia looks forward to starting her day knowing I’ve cared enough to embrace her and whisper my prayer to God in her ear.  As men, God wants us to be the spiritual heads of our households.  The best thing we can do for our families doesn’t involve anything in this world (no college funds, hedge funds, mutual funds, etc.); it is prayer.  Try it, and like the woman in Luke 18:1-7, do not give up; continue to pray.  Remember it is in His timing not ours. 
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Men’s Topic #4: Servanthood

Please enjoy this audio of Bucky’s teaching about servanthood and here is Dave’s summary:

Please take a few minutes and re-read John 13.  Then use your remaining time to reflect on what we learned from each other today:

  1. Verse 1 says, “…he showed them the full extent of his love.”  Love always gives itself away for the benefit of another. 
  2. You must receive service (from God and others) before you can serve others.  You cannot give what you have not received.  Bucky gave us a few great personal examples that would take up too much space here (if you’d like to know ask Bucky or someone that attended on Wednesday).  God serves us by His grace in allowing us to enter into a relationship with Him now, as we are.  We must spend time with God to further that relationship. No relationship lasts if time isn’t spent with the other person in the relationship.  God is no different – if we want to know Him better, we must make time for Him. 
  3. As usual, Jesus led by example.  He did not ask His disciples to do anything He hadn’t already done.  And, of course, it was done in complete humility. Humility is the absence of pride. 

Can you see the correlation between our teacher and the disciples’ Teacher? Bucky leads by personal example with humility.  That is why we all love and respect Bucky.  He is transparent; he is not afraid to make his life an open book.  We don’t see Bucky as “Super Pastor,” but as one of us.   Well, Jesus desires that same love and respect from us.  It just takes time guys; are you ready to give it?

Share what you learned this week with a friend, co-worker, neighbor or family member.  When they see you lead with humility they will want what you have.

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Vital Signs of Healing: VALUE-Are You Enough? Lecture

Please enjoy a brief lecture on the Vital Signs of Healing: VALUE asking the age old question are you enough?

There are 4 books that I mention during this lecture:

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

The Bible

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Vital Signs of Healing: VALUE-Are You Enough? Q&A

This is the GREAT discussion time that we had concerning VALUE.  Join us! Share with us YOUR answers and please leave us a comment below.

The Vital Signs of Healing: VALUE handout: vital signs of healing: value

Here is a brief list of YOUR answers to this VITAL question:

What are some ways that we can show our patients that we think that they have value or that we think that they are ‘enough’?

  • put yourself at their level
  • eye contact
  • show kindness and help out even when it is not your patient
  • do a little extra if you see a need
  • getting to know them beyond their chief complaint
  • communicate consistency between the doctor and the nurse
  • not about you
PLEASE share with us YOUR answers by posting a comment below. THANKS for joining us!
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Vital Signs of Healing: VALUE-Are You Enough? Introduction

Enjoy this brief audio introduction to the curriculum entitled: Vital Signs of Healing.  There are 4 physical vital signs and 4 Vital Signs of Healing: Love, Value, Virtue, and Healing.  This is an introduction to a lecture about the Vital Sign: VALUE.  We had this picture up on the screen for part of our discussions:

Who do YOU most relate to in this picture? And why? Please leave us your insights by adding a comment below.

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Men’s Topic #2: Are you enough?

Topic #2 is based on the story of the prodigal son from Luke 15.  This brief audio is about a LIFE CHANGING concept that will improve your marriage and relationships.  We are all walking around with the ‘I am not enough’ wound that society and our parents have given us.  This wound can only truly be healed by God, but our wives/s.o./friends can help heal this wound.  Please add your thoughts, questions, and comments below this post!

 

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Why Go to Men’s Group? What is in it for me?

Join me in listening to an interview with Gene who gives a GREAT example and IMPORTANT reasons to join us at Men on the Path this coming Wednesday morning at 6:45am-8:00am.  

  • WHEN: Wednesday’s from 6:45am-8:00am
  • WHAT: We are going to be looking at the TOP 10 things men need to know
  • WHERE: North Park Community Center 

Note: it is best to enter the housing complex off of Portolla because then when you go through the gate the club house where we are meeting is straight ahead of you. When you enter at the Portola gate tell Jim, the guard there, that you are attending the Pathways meeting.
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