Category Archives: marriage

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Married Life Live!

Welcome Back! We are starting up MLL again.

The format for MLL is fun, informal, and interactive. We will eat together, and talk about how we can have better intimacy and great marriages.

Friday, October 23 from 6-9pm (Dinner and childcare provided)
6-7pm Family Dinner
7-9pm Marriage Seminar

TOPIC: “A Healthy Marriage”
Guest Speaker: Lana Bateman, Chaplin to Women of Faith & President of Phlippians Ministry

Location: Hicks Canyon Elementary School, New Multipurpose Room (3817 Viewpark, Irvine, CA 92602)

Sign-up or for more information please let us know. You can email us at uberlumen@uberlumen.com or call 949-400-5216

View Hicks Canyon Elementary School in a larger map

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Piercing the veil to our hearts

I love to read, but so often, I read and read and read but nothing sinks in, nothing stills my heart, nothing pierces soul.  Last night these words pierced my veil.  If only I was willing to allow God to tear down my veil how free, how joy filled, how wonderful marriage, friendship, fatherhood CAN be if we allow Him in….if we allow our wife and our closest friend(s) in to see our true heart and soul.
“What but the presence of a veil in our hearts? a veil not taken away as the first veil was, but which remains there still shutting out the light and hiding the face of God from us. It is the veil of our fleshly fallen nature living on, unjudged within us, uncrucified and unrepudiated. It is the close-woven veil of the self-life which we have never truly acknowledged, of which we have been secretly ashamed, and which for these reasons we have never brought to the judgment of the cross. It is not too mysterious, this opaque veil, nor is it hard to identify. We have but to look in our own hearts and we shall see it there, sewn and patched and repaired it may be, but there nevertheless, an enemy to our lives and an effective block to our spiritual progress.

Self is the opaque veil that hides the Face of God from us. It can be removed only in spiritual experience, never by mere instruction…There must be a work of God in destruction before we are free. We must invite the cross to do its deadly work within us. We must bring our self-sins to the cross for judgment. We must prepare ourselves for an ordeal of suffering in some measure like that through which our Saviour passed when He suffered…

Let us remember: when we talk of the rending of the veil we are speaking in a figure, and the thought of it is poetical, almost pleasant; but in actuality there is nothing pleasant about it. In human experience that veil is made of living spiritual tissue; it is composed of the sentient, quivering stuff of which our whole beings consist, and to touch it is to touch us where we feel pain. To tear it away is to injure us, to hurt us and make us bleed. To say otherwise is to make the cross no cross and death no death at all. It is never fun to die. To rip through the dear and tender stuff of which life is made can never be anything but deeply painful. Yet that is what the cross did to Jesus and it is what the cross would do to every man to set him free. Let us beware of tinkering with our inner life in hope ourselves to rend the veil. God must do everything for us. Our part is to yield and trust. We must confess, forsake, repudiate the self-life, and then reckon it crucified.

There comes a moment when its work is finished and the suffering victim dies. After that is resurrection glory and power, and the pain is forgotten for joy that the veil is taken away and we have entered in actual spiritual experience the Presence of the living God.

Lord, how excellent are Thy ways, and how devious and dark are the ways of man. Show us how to die, that we may rise again to newness of life. Rend the veil of our self-life from the top down as Thou didst rend the veil of the Temple. We would draw near in full assurance of faith.”–Pursuit of God by Tozer

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Men’s Group: Why show up? What is in it for me? The storms will come.

We had a football quiz to kick off our fall series: Quiet Strength by Tony Dungy (The Bible Study), and then we spent some time talking.  Mostly small talk….but we also spoke of the importance of being in a men’s group.  Do you ever wonder why? Do you worry about not fitting in? Do you have ‘better’ things to do with your time?  I don’t blame you.  I understand.  I had those thoughts myself, but I took a risk and started to show up and my life has never been the same.  The men in my life have rescued me.

We discussed Matthew 14:22-33.  Jesus calms the storm.  75% or more of men in America don’t have a friend that they can turn to in a ‘storm’.  I am reminded of 2 men who shared with me that they knew each other very well and were close friends, but when we started going deep under the surface, it became clear very quickly that they didn’t truly ‘know’ each other much at all.  This is the norm.  We walk through life completely alone with the facade of knowing each other.

10 years ago, I jumped out of the boat by sharing with a friend one of my deeply held ‘secrets’, and little by little we continued to grow closer and closer knowing everything about each other, our past, present, and future struggles, fears, and dreams.  I have never felt so free, peace filled, and truly alive knowing that there is someone that I can turn to with ALL my fears.

Then the storms came….and I had a friend who was there with me when I was drowning, suffocating, and had no where else to go….he held onto me and kept me from drowning when the waves were crashing over me.

I don’t know any other way to tell you.  One day, I decided to just show up to a men’s group even when I really ‘couldn’t’–too busy, bad time of the day, too early, etc.  By showing up, my life has been transformed–my marriage, my family, EVERYTHING–I now have friends that know more about me than I know about myself.  Join us! AND bring a friend along for the adventure of a lifetime.

The storms will come.  Who will be there for you? How will you survive?

“But what if your heart be right with God, and yet you are pressed down with a load of earthly trouble? What if the fear of poverty is tossing you to and fro, and seems likely to overwhelm you? What if pain of body be racking you to distraction day after day? What if you are suddenly laid aside from active usefulness and compelled by infirmity to sit still and do nothing? What if death has come into your home, and taken away your Rachel or Joseph or Benjamin and left you alone, crushed to the ground with sorrow? What if all this has happened? Still there is comfort in Christ. He can speak peace to wounded hearts as easily as calm troubled seas. He can rebuke rebellious wills as powerfully as raging winds. He can make storms of sorrow abate, and silence tumultuous passions, as surely as He stopped the Galilean storm. He can say to the heaviest anxiety, “Peace, be still!” The floods of care and tribulation may be mighty, but Jesus sits upon the waterfloods, and is mightier than the waves of the sea (Ps. 93:4). The winds of trouble may howl fiercely round you, but Jesus holds them in His hand, and can stay them when He lists. Oh, if any reader of this message is broken-hearted and care-worn and sorrowful, let him go to Jesus Christ, and cry to Him and he shall be refreshed. “Come unto Me,” He says, “all you that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matt. 11:28).”-excerpt from Holiness by J.C. Ryle

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Contempt is the key to a BAD Marriage

I was reminded of some powerful marriage tips and principles from one of John Gottman’s great marriage books when Gottman’s research was brought up in Blink by Malcolm Gladwell.

Gladwell points out that Gottman has done detailed, objective research to find traits that can sink any marriage.  The primary trait that will ruin a marriage? CONTEMPT.

“Four Horsemen: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and contempt. Even within the Four Horsemen, in fact, there is one emotion that he considers the most important of all: contempt. If Gottman observes one or both partners in a marriage showing contempt toward the other, he considers it the single most important sign that the marriage is in trouble.
“It’s trying to put that person on a lower plane than you. It’s hierarchical.” Gottman has found, in fact, that the presence of contempt in a marriage can even predict such things as how many colds a husband or a wife gets; in other words, having someone you love express contempt toward you is so stressful that it begins to affect the functioning of your immune system. “Contempt is closely related to disgust, and what disgust and contempt are about is completely rejecting and excluding someone from the community.”
“The big gender difference with negative emotions is that women are more critical, and men are more likely to stonewall. We find that women start talking about a problem, the men get irritated and turn away, and the women get more critical, and it becomes a circle. But there isn’t any gender difference when it comes to contempt. Not at all.” Contempt is special. If you can measure contempt, then all of a sudden you don’t need to know every detail of the couple’s relationship.”–excerpt from Gladwell’s book
My marriage was in trouble, and I didn’t even know it.  I specialized in contempt.  It has been a slow process, and my wife remembers when I was filled with contempt, but we both look back amazed at how contempt has been eliminated from our marriage for many years now.  How?
  • HUMILITY through serving her, putting her ahead of yourself, learning to love her the way that she needs to be loved
  • BROKENNESS–being willing to acknowledge your own faults and inadequacies helps to break the contempt cycle
  • CONFESSION–share with her your brokenness, be volunerable with her, allow her to see the real you–flaws and all.
  • working at making our marriage better
  • being WILLING to change and serve your spouse
  • dating other men–deep, meaningful relationships with a few men has helped me to be a better husband (and person)
  • spending time in the appreciation room (see Love Dare book for details)–leaning and training myself to look at and appreciate her for all her beauty and for who she is–being grateful for her.
  • walking with Christ–prayer, Bible study, learning more and more about His love, humility, service, sacrifice

There is more to follow….

Marriage is an adventure and a journey not a destination, and just like when you said I do to her and to Christ, it is just the beginning–the relationship (sanctification) is the adventure.

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The ZERO Club: open, honest, transparency

I continue to ‘preach’ the importance of transparency/honesty in our relationships to our wives.  This is NOT easy.  when I finally shared my last ‘skeleton in my closet’ with my wife, it was a very long stressful discussion, but it transformed our marriage.  Over the years, very few men (and women) have taken our advise to open up the closets of our past to our spouse (and to your closet friends) (note: it is not necessary and can be harmful and too painful to share all specific details of the ‘skeletons’ in the closets of our past-keep it general.)

Yesterday I got an email from a friend who shared that he opened his final ‘skeleton’ with his wife and it was incredible for him and his relationship with his wife.

It is my hope that more and more of us can experience the freedom, forgiveness, and intimacy that open, honest, transparency provides.  

Let me know if you need any guidance/help in becoming a member of the “ZERO club”

Here is what he shared with me:

“The ZERO club…

zero closets…
zero secrets…
zero instances of lost self-control…
zero self gratification…
zero prolonged non-appropriate fantasies…
side effects:
Honor for spouse/partner
diminish/remove impure motivations
remove impure thoughts
remove guilt, shame
heighten intimacy with spouse
increased trust/openness with spouse
more effective witness for Christ
heightened spiritual awareness
victory over Satan/realization that God is in control
improved relationships/outlook towards opposite sex
Here’s to obedience!  GLORY!”
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Sex, Marriage, Intimacy and Screwtape Letters: chapters 18-19

Key Scriptures:
Genesis 2:25, Ephesians 5:25, 1 John 4:18
Key Teaching points:
Sex is a spiritual discipline
Brokenness
Confession
Cross
Key Quote:
“Submit to my wife’s version of intimacy.”
Key Quotes from The Love Dare:
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The Love Dare (Alex Kendrick)
– Highlight Loc. 42-46 | Added on Sunday, May 24, 2009, 07:03 AM

The Love Dare journey is not a process of trying to change your spouse to be the person you want them to be. You’ve no doubt already discovered that efforts to change your husband or wife have ended in failure and frustration. Rather, this is a journey of exploring and demonstrating genuine love, even when your desire is dry and your motives are low. The truth is, love is a decision and not just a feeling. It is selfless, sacrificial, and transformational. And when love is truly demonstrated as it was intended, your relationship is more likely to change for the better.
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The Love Dare (Alex Kendrick)
– Highlight Loc. 930-35 | Added on Sunday, May 24, 2009, 07:10 AM

Yet this great blessing is also the site of its greatest danger. Someone who knows us this intimately can either love us at depths we never imagined, or can wound us in ways we may never fully recover from. It’s both the fire and the fear of marriage. Which of these are you experiencing the most in your home right now? Are the secrets your spouse knows about you reasons for shame, or reasons for drawing you closer? If your spouse were to answer this same question, would they say you make them feel safe, or scared? If home is not considered a place of safety, you will both be tempted to seek it somewhere else.
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The Love Dare (Alex Kendrick)
– Highlight Loc. 938-47 | Added on Sunday, May 24, 2009, 07:12 AM

The Bible says, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18). The atmosphere in your marriage should be one of freedom. Like Adam and Eve in the garden, your closeness should only intensify your intimacy. Being “naked” and “not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25) should exist in the same sentence, right in your marriage?physically and emotionally. Admittedly, this is tender territory. Marriage has unloaded another person’s baggage into your life, and yours into theirs. Both of you have reason to feel embarrassed that this much has been revealed about you to another living soul. But this is your opportunity to wrap all this private information about them in the protective embrace of your love, and promise to be the one who can best help him or her deal with it. Some of these secrets may need correcting. Therefore, you can be an agent of healing and repair?not by lecturing, not by criticizing, but by listening in love and offering support. Some of these secrets just need to be accepted. They are part of this person’s make-up and history. And though these issues may not be very pleasant to deal with, they will always require a gentle touch.
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The Love Dare (Alex Kendrick)
– Highlight Loc. 953-55 | Added on Sunday, May 24, 2009, 07:13 AM

(Psalm 139:2?4). And yet God, who knows secrets about us that we even hide from ourselves, loves us at a depth we cannot begin to fathom. How much more should we?as imperfect people?reach out to our spouse in grace and understanding, accepting them for who they are and assuring them that their secrets are safe with us?
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The Love Dare (Alex Kendrick)
– Highlight Loc. 1689-90 | Added on Sunday, May 24, 2009, 07:15 AM

Even its boundaries and restrictions are God’s ways of keeping our sexual experiences at a level far beyond any of those advertised on television or in the movies.
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The Love Dare (Alex Kendrick)
– Highlight Loc. 1699-1701 | Added on Sunday, May 24, 2009, 07:16 AM

This same oneness is a hallmark of every marriage. In the act of romance, we join our hearts to each other in an expression of love that no other form of communication can match. That’s why “the marriage bed is to be undefiled” (Hebrews 13:4). We are not to share this same experience with anyone else.
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Journal Time:
What would you want your wife to know about you and sex and intimacy?
What are some ways that you can show your wife that you love her?
Is your marriage both physically and emotionally in line with Genesis 2:25 image of marriage? why or why not?  How can you make it that way?
Group Time:
Is marriage only good when you are ‘in love’?  Can we fall ‘in’ and ‘out’ of love? explain.
“…persuading the humans that a curious, and usually shortlived, experience which they call ‘being in love’ is the only respectable ground for marriage…”
How can we keep the ‘excitement permanent’?
“…that marriage can, and ought to, render this excitement permanent; and that a marriage which does not do so is no longer binding…”
Is marriage about happiness or holiness? explain.
“…Now comes the joke. The Enemy described a married couple as ‘one flesh’. He did not say ‘a happily married couple’ or ‘a couple who married because they were in love’, but you can make the humans ignore that….humans can be made to infer the false belief that the blend of affection, fear, and desire which they call ‘being in love’ is the only thing that makes marriage either happy or holy…”  (see 1 John 4:18)
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Men’s Group: Calvary Road, Highway to Holiness, Chapter 4

The road to Holiness:

  • As a Christian, you will always remain on the road to holiness
  • The journey is called: sanctification
  • ways to not stumble on the road:
  1. physical exercises–kneeling at your bedside every morning to remind you to bend a knee to His will every day, fasting, etc.
  2. spiritual exercises–prayer, authentic community: take off your mask with a close friend daily/weekly (confess and share the intimate details of your life), time in God’s word, or as Francisco has said: “When I wake up every morning, Jesus is waiting for me.” (a focus on Jesus throughout the day, and looking for God moments even in the tough times of your day)

PLEASE read Dave’s wonderful comment below (just click on the ‘1 comment’ in yellow in the right hand corner of this post or click on this post title and you will be sent to a page with his comment below).

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Men’s Group: Fellowship from Calvary Road, May 13, 2009

The progression of the chapters in Calvary Road is significant.  We started with brokenness, then went to confession/cleaning our lives (cups) up so we can fill them with the Holy Spirit, and now we turn to fellowship.

Years ago I kept secrets from my wife, and one day I finally ‘confessed’ and ‘cleaned’ out ALL the skeletons in my closet (cup).  It was a scary, crazy, and bold move that kept us up talking until 3am.  I was scared of her not forgiving me and not understanding me.  She did both.

Shortly after my cup was clean 2 things happened.  My marriage went from great to amazing.  The comfort in KNOWING that there was nothing to hide freed us up to have a depth and peace and intimacy that I would have never dreamed of.  

The second thing that happened is that I learned to share my dirty cup with other men.  I found several men who were willing and that I felt save enough with to share my deepest fears and struggles.  I talk and meet with these men weekly.  This has transformed my relationship with my wife, with Christ, and with everyone around me.  A very large weight has been lifted from my soul, and I have a place to run and hide when things get overwhelming.

Hession in chapter 3-The Way of Fellowship outlines the importance of fellowship in shaping our lives and our relationships with our spouses, our friends, and our God.

Through the years, I have continued to try and coach and encourage other men to ‘date’ each other.  There is a richness to life that is sorely lacking without this process.  But it takes men SO LONG and most NEVER are able or willing to get there.  

The only way to do it is by finding a guy that you feel comfortable with and you take a few baby steps by sharing some private struggles or sins.  See how they respond, If they respond in kind and with understanding then dig deeper and continue to share more.  As you trust more and learn to share more, you will find that your marriage is better, your walk with Christ is deeper, and your life is richer.

Any questions?

Calvary Road, Chapter 3, Fellowship quotes:

But if we have not been brought into vital fellowship with our brother, it is a proof that to that extent we have not been brought into vital fellowship with God
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Sin always involves us in being unreal, pretending, duplicity, window dressing, excusing ourselves and blaming others–and we can do all that as much by our silence as by saying or doing something.
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The only basis for real fellowship with God and man is to live out in the open with both.
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Spurgeon defines it in one of his sermons as “the willingness to know and be known.”
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We must be willing not only to know, but to be known by him for what we really are. That means we are not going to hide our inner selves from those with whom we ought to be in fellowship; we are not going to window dress and put on appearances; nor are we going to whitewash and excuse ourselves. We are going to be honest about ourselves with them. We are willing to give up our spiritual privacy, pocket our pride and risk our reputations for the sake of being open and transparent with our brethren in Christ.
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We have not necessarily got to tell everybody everything about ourselves. The fundamental thing is our attitude of walking in the light, rather than the act. Are we willing to be in the open with our brother–and be so in word when God tells us to?
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When the barriers are down and the masks are off, God has a chance of making us really one. But there is also the added joy of knowing that in such a fellowship we are “safe.”
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Jesus wants you to begin walking in the light with Him in a new way today. Join with one other–your Christian friend, the person you live with, your wife, your husband. Drop the mask.

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Married Life Live, Session 2: Only Jesus can heal wounds.

Enjoy the notes and the brief audio teaching from our second Married Life Live session.
MEN’s ANSWERS:
What is your wound?
  • performance wound
  • not enough wound
  • distand dad and/or mom
  • not sensitive (family of origin-distant-did not express feelings)
  • non-emotional-grow up afraid of emotions/expression of emotions
  • self sufficient wound (can do life on own)
How does your wife help that wound?
  • acts of service
  • words of affirmation
  • touch
  • quality time
  • gifts
What role does Jesus play in your marriage?
  • put Jesus first–then marriage will follow
  • let Him rule, submit to Him otherwise it doesn’t work
  • Jesus is the glue.
  • example of forgiveness & grace
  • unconditional
  • grow closer to Him by prayer, reading Bible, fellowship
WOMEN’S ANSWERS:
What is your wound?
  • avoid conflict
  • perfection
  • inadequate
  • feeling valued/desirable
  • not loved
  • lack confidence
  • favoritism/suppressed feelings
How does your husband hurt that wound?  
  • expectation
  • criticism: this is a BIG one.  It is NEVER worth it! You WILL NOT change him/her by criticism.
  • trying to fix a problem
  • feeling not valued or under valued and undesirable
How does your husband help that wound?
  • open and share
  • healthy disagreement
  • acceptance
  • speaking truth
  • gentleness
  • support/encoragement
  • perspective
What role does Jesus play in your marriage?
  • unconditional love
  • Jesus loves us/rejoices in us
*KEY is to identify the wounds/issue because that helps to heal, recognize when they pop up, and focus on Christ to heal them.  Spouse can’t fix/heal the wound, but we can minister to the wound as Jesus heals it.
*CRITICISM:  It is NEVER worth it! You WILL NOT change him/her by criticism. My wife used to try this–ex. ‘you really should…find some friends that would be good for you etc…only when she gave up the criticism and started to pray did I start to make some of the changes that she desired.  We have to remember that criticism is painful, counter productive, and never works to change us so DON’T DO IT.  Love him/her just the way they are!
*DON’T try and fix it…it is usually the husband who wants to ‘fix’ the problem but whoever it is DON’T do it.  LISTEN and only fix if asked to.
*AFFIRM, AFFIRM, AFFIRM: in all discussions/arguments, lead with affirmation and don’t stonewall or run away…meet the problem head on by talking and listening.  A woman who stonewalls or runs from conflict with a husband who is from a stoic or non-emotional upbringing is very hurtful.  A man from such a family of origin needs empathy and support not stonewalling.
*Allow Jesus to delight in YOU!
“…the LORD takes delight in his people…”-Psalm 149:4.
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Marriage Life Live: Date Night with a Purpose, Friday, May 1

FRIDAY, MAY 1 FROM 6:30-8:30pm
Meeting location at Rod and Amy Kamps’ home (28 Montclair, Irvine, CA  92602) and children meet at the Northpark Clubhouse.

This group is for all married couples at Pathways Church. The format for MLL is fun, informal, & interactive. We will eat together, watch movie clips, and talk about how we can have better intimacy and great marriages.

We will be charging a nominal fee for food for adults and kids:$15 per couple for food and $5 per child for childcare and the kids food.

Directions to the Clubhouse: going North on Culver turn left onto Portola. Take the first left which is Gate Park. Tell the guard that you are going to the Kamps’ home and the clubhouse. As you pull through the gate, the Clubhouse building will be directly in front of you and its parking lot is to the right.

Directions to the Kamps’ home from the Clubhouse: Make a right out of the parking lot, turn right on Meadow Valley, right onto Grass Valley and right on Montclair, end at 28 Montclair.

View Larger Map

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Married Life Live, Session 1: Are You Enough?

Below you will find a powerpoint presentation that I taught from back in 2004 regarding the “I am not enough” concept. Please enjoy the slides and the audio summary of this important relationship point. And as always share your comments with us.

2 books that are great on this topic:

The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen

Love and Respect by Eggerichs

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Married Life Live Session #1, March 6, 2009 SUMMARY

Enjoy the audio summary of our teaching and here are your answers:
Ways the women feel loved:

  • affirmation–positive comments, gratitude
  • phone calls during the day
  • listen (turn-off TV, electronics) and listen without solving the problem
  • maintain peace if ‘mom’ is feeling upset
  • no selective hearing
  • pray together
  • affection (non-sexual)–hand holding, kissing, etc.
  • committment to purity (ex. victoria secret commercial, movies-selective etc.)
  • empathy
  • relifef with kids & house chores
  • balanced parenting (teamwork)
  • listening and following through (ex. listening to a book that was mentioned and then buying it for us)
  • date night (planning it from start to finish–including setting up a babysitter)
  • respecting in-laws and boundaries with in-laws
  • family and couple time as a priority
Ways men feel respected:
  • affirm us without asking (“you are my hero.”)
  • give us grace, forgive and forget–don’t bring up the past and don’t use the past against us
  • support our passions/hobbies & learn to enjoy our activities
  • understand our stress
  • speak with softer tones in your voice and without nagging
  • speak highly of us with your friends
  • trust our decisions
  • allign and stand behind us when we are parenting our kids
  • give us down time…respect our space
  • (am I forgetting anything?) the men did mention that the top 3 ways that they feel respect is: #1 SEX. #2 SEX. #3 SEX.

Please share with us your comments & feedback.

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Men’s Group: February 25, 2009 (Matthew 18:21-35)

Here is another great summary of Men’s Group by Dave:

This past Wednesday we studied the Parable of the Unmerciful Servant (Matthew 18:21-35) and how it relates to forgiveness.  Please take a few minutes and read the passage.  I suggest you do it when you have some quiet time because you will get more out of it if you can meditate on the scripture and write in a journal what God says to you about it.   Robby taught on this lesson and he presented a very good question to us; why do we often think about forgiveness as being about the person that needs to be forgiven rather than the person doing the forgiving?  Have you ever thought if you are in a position to forgive that it is about you, not the person you need to forgive?  Cynthia and I used to facilitate a nationally recognized Christ centered divorce recovery program called DivorceCare (www.divorcecare.org).  It is an incredible program.  If you know of anyone who is divorced and they haven’t been through a program PLEASE tell them about DivorceCare.  It does not matter how long they’ve been divorced; it will be the best advice you’ve ever given them.  Encourage them to attend.  Anyway, what I am leading into here is that there was an entire session spent on forgiveness.  This lesson leads off with the statement; “It’s not what you eat, but what is eating you that will kill you.”  How true; if we don’t find it in our hearts to truly forgive, we will harbor bitterness.  That bitterness will come out at some point; most likely against someone we love and care for, someone who did nothing to hurt us.  One thing to remember when talking about forgiveness; forgiveness is not reconciliation.  It is not condoning a behavior and saying it is okay.  Forgiveness is letting go, or setting down a load and not picking it up again.  Reconciliation is restoring a relationship.  You can forgive without condoning or reconciling.  Forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling.  We may not feel like forgiving but we can and should decide to forgive.  One last thing from that DivorceCare lesson; don’t expect or wait for an apology to forgive.  In other words, don’t try to assume control by saying the person must answer to YOU.  No, they must answer to GOD.

Now, back to our Wednesday discussion.  Two lines really got to me in this parable.  They were verses 29-30. Go back and read them. Can you imagine being the guy on your knees begging for forgiveness and the other “person” in the parable is God and He is telling you, “No, you are not forgiven?”  Where would you be?   

I asked a question in the beginning of this email about forgiving being more important to the person forgiving than the person in need of forgiveness.  Forgiveness produces several great benefits for the forgiver.  One is freedom.  Forgiving gives the forgiver the freedom to move on.  It is very healing because the situation no longer has power over the “wronged” person.  If you are in a position to forgive and don’t, you could end up depressed, bitter and/or angry.  All of those will eventually result in loneliness.  Who wants to be around a person like that?  Forgiveness produces healthier relationships.  And, remember what Jesus told us in Matthew 6:14-15; “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”  That is a pretty frightening statement, isn’t it?  It is right there is black and white (or red in some bibles).  I mean what happens if God doesn’t forgive you?  Where do you end up?

Bruce Peotter said something I believe is a very helpful tip for those of you who are married.  Each night before he and Kelly go to sleep, they talk about whether or not either of them said anything that hurt the other person and need to ask forgiveness for.  Think about it.  Rather than “addressing” the issue right then and there, which will almost always result in a heated conflict, you know you can save the situation for later when things have calmed down and talk about it rationally.  Just knowing you have that in your back pocket can keep the person who was “wronged” in a better frame of mind.  I think it is a great idea, don’t you?

How does one forgive?  Well Francisco said that one best.  You must first receive God’s forgiveness before you can truly forgive.  Then, rather than struggling with it yourself; turn the matter over to God.  Try something like, “Lord, make me willing to be willing to forgive because I am not there yet.”  That will really set your heart on the right path.  Some folks never really address their wrongs.  They say over time they forget about it, that time heals all wounds.  Well, from co-facilitating DivorceCare for almost two years I can honestly say, “Time does not heal all wounds.  It covers them.  Only Jesus can truly heal.

Well, I guess I made up for last week’s short email.  Thank you for taking the time to read this.  May God bless you and keep you.

Dave

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Married Life Live (MLL), Friday, March 6

Friday, March 6 from 6:30pm-8:30pm

The format for MLL is fun, informal, & interactive. We will eat together, watch movie clips, & talk about how we want to be heard & loved, & how we can have better intimacy & great marriages.

Dinner & Childcare Provided
Couples Meeting @ Matt & Susan Ingalls
(15 Paso Robles, Irvine, CA 92602)

Children Meeting @ Northpark Clubhouse
(10 Meadow Valley, Irvine, CA 92602)                              
*Children will eat together at the Clubhouse

Directions to Northpark Clubhouse:
Going North on Culver turn left onto Portola. Take the first left which is Gate Park. Tell the Guard that you are going to the Ingalls’ home and the Clubhouse. As you pull through the gate, the Clubhouse building will be directly in front of you and its parking lot is to the right.

To sign-up or for more information on MLL contact: Drew & Brooke Lawson
949.400.5216 or alawsonmd@gmail.com


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Men’s Group January 21, 2009: David’s Grace to Mephibosheth

Passage: 2 Samuel 9

David asked, “Is there anyone remaining from Saul’s family I can show kindness to because of Jonathan?”2 There was a servant of Saul’s family named Ziba. They summoned him to David, and the king said to him, “Are you Ziba?””[I am] your servant,” he replied. So the king asked, “Is there anyone left of Saul’s family I can show the kindness of God to?”Ziba said to the king, “There is still Jonathan’s son who is lame in both feet.”  The king asked him, “Where is he?”Ziba answered the king, “You’ll find him in Lo-debar at the house of Machir son of Ammiel.” So King David had him brought from the house of Machir son of Ammiel in Lo-debar.Mephibosheth son of Jonathan son of Saul came to David, bowed down to the ground and paid homage. David said, “Mephibosheth!””I am your servant,” he replied. “Don’t be afraid,” David said to him, “since I intend to show you kindness because of your father Jonathan. I will restore to you all your grandfather Saul’s fields, and you will always eat meals at my table.”Mephibosheth bowed down and said, “What is your servant that you take an interest in a dead dog like me?”Then the king summoned Saul’s attendant Ziba and said to him, “I have given to your master’s grandson all that belonged to Saul and his family. You, your sons, and your servants are to work the ground for him, and you are to bring in [the crops] so your master’s grandson will have food to eat. But Mephibosheth, your master’s grandson, is always to eat at my table.” Now Ziba had 15 sons and 20 servants.Ziba said to the king, “Your servant will do all my lord the king commands.” So Mephibosheth ate at David’s  table just like one of the king’s sons. Mephibosheth had a young son whose name was Mica. All those living in Ziba’s house were Mephibosheth’s servants. However, Mephibosheth lived in Jerusalem because he always ate at the king’s table. He was lame in both feet.

 

 

1. Why did David show kindness to Mephibosheth?

 

2. Why is David’s kindness to Mephibosheth so significant?  What did the incoming king usually do to the outgoing king and his family?


3. What would you have done?  


4. Who is your Jonathan?


5. How did you develop a Jonathan friendship?  What does it take to develop a Jonathan friendship?


6. What is your Mephibosheth? (Where are you ‘lame’? What is your ‘tweak’?)


7. How does God respond to our ‘tweaks’? to our deformities?


8. How can we respond to other’s ‘tweaks’/deformities?

Dave wrote:

Cynthia and I just finished watching Evan Almighty.   Some of you are probably aware that Cynthia serves Pathways by teaching the 4th/5th graders every other Sunday.  Well, last Sunday (1/18) the lesson was on Noah.  One of the children brought up the movie, Evan Almighty.  Turns out, all of the kids in Cynthia’s class had seen it; neither one of us had.  If you have not seen this movie, I recommend you do; we really enjoyed it.  So, what does this have to do with our Men of the Path meeting last week?  In Bucky’s absence (welcome back Bucky), Drew taught on 2Samuel 9, which is the story of David and Mephibosheth.  (Don’t worry, when read the story, the name Mephibosheth comes up often enough you will be able to pronounce it before you finish).  {Pause, while you read the scripture.}  Okay, now that you’ve read the story (and if you’ve seen the movie) you can see the connection.  At the end of the movie, God writes the word “ARK” in the sand for Evan.  ARK is an acronym for Act of Random Kindness.  In 2Samuel 9, David shows Mephibosheth an Act of Random Kindness.  David’s word to his friend, Jonathan, took precedence over the world’s view of what a king should do.  In the culture of the day, a king would kill all members of the outgoing king’s family.  Mephibosheth was the “son of Jonathan, son of Saul,” as the Bible puts it; Mephibosheth was Saul’s grandson.  He not only had this as a mark against him but Mephibosheth was also lame in both feet.  In David’s day, people had no use for a cripple; they were generally ignored by society and left to die.  I got the impression that nearly everyone forgot about Mephibosheth; he was considered worthless.  Can you imagine what was going through Mephibosheth’s mind as he was being escorted to see the new king?  The man his grandfather was trying to kill?  The man who conquered and now ruled the land?  Verse 7 tells us the answer;  “David said, don’t be afraid.”  Rather than follow the culture of the world, David chose an Act of Random Kindness.  Mephibosheth got to eat at King David’s table every night and was given all of his grandfather’s land and servants.  In the end, Mephibosheth enjoyed a privileged life.  So, I ask, have you shown an ARK lately?  Has God blessed you and have you given that blessing back by showing kindness to someone who may need it right now?  Do you know there are men and women at Pathways who have been unemployed for some time?  Have you talked to them or prayed for them lately?  Have you asked them how you can help?  As I write this I find myself saying I have not done enough.  I pray for them but I have not been in close communication with them.  I know I cannot offer financial assistance but I can offer words of encouragement, a handshake or a hug.  I hope this touches your heart enough to seek out those who are struggling and ask how you can help.  If you don’t know who the unemployed are, ask Bucky, or one of the elders.  There are a lot of churches and a lot of men’s groups out there.  So how can we be different?  By walking our talk.  Remember, we are a community, a family.  And, we aren’t just any men’s group; we are the Men of the Path.  Let’s reach out and show we care (see Acts 2:42-47 for a biblical example of truly sharing in community and fellowship and what God did in return).

As always, please share your thoughts with us.