Jeff Pries does a beautiful job teaching us in this sermon on covetousness.
My kids are worry warts. They are sometimes paralyzed by what if’s and worry about future school assignments etc. How can we educate and comfort our kids AND ourselves? This is the 1st of (I hope) many posts on the topic of worry.
Chapter 11 of Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning is a life changing concept and chapter. The chapter is titled: The Geography of Nowhere. The concept is simple. If we are NOT NOW HERE then we are NO WHERE! So lesson #1 is to live in the NOW. Don’t worry about the future or the past. Live in the Now Here.
“The music of what is happening,” said great Fionn, “that is the finest music in the world.” …The music of what is happening can be heard only in the present moment, right now, right here. Now/here spells now-here. To be fully present to whoever or whatever is immediately before us is to pitch a tent in the wilderness of Now-here. It is an act of radical trust-trust that God can be encountered at no other time and in no other place in the present moment. Being fully present in the now is perhaps the premier skill of the spiritual life.”-Chapter 11, Ruthless Trust by Manning
I know that I am getting a nudge to post when I am reading a chapter about forgiveness and I also happen to start listening to a podcast on forgiveness. These notes are a summary of a chapter on forgiveness in “You Were Born for This” by Bruce Wilkinson (Chapter 12: The Forgiveness Key), and the podcast is a sermon done by Mike Erre. As always, share your thoughts with us.
Forgiveness is VERY important to God and for us to embrace.
There is only ONE thing that we are called to do in the entire Lord’s Prayer: “Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors…”-Matthew 6:12
God, as represented by the King in Matthew 18, gets angry with those He has forgiven of an payable debt refuse to forgive others of a very small debt:
“…so My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trepasses…”-Matthew 18:35 (see also Matthew 6:14-15)
What will God do to us if we don’t forgive? He will ‘hand us over to the torturers’ (Matt 18:34). What?! What does this mean?! It means that God turns His people who refuse to forgive others over to the painful consequences of their own unforgiveness until the person, from their heart, forgives others their trespasses (debts). We will torment OURSELVES until we open our hearts and forgive.
3 key points to remember:
2 gifts occur when we forgive:
In reply to the post on emotions, we got a posted comment asking: How to quell your emotions? Here are some thoughts….
To quell or not to quell?
To Quell: YES! Join the crowd of men with distant non-emotive fathers from a family of origin of quellers. This is me. I am a queller. I have been well trained in the art. I even get a small whiff of emotion and I run for cover. The problem: Quelling leads to men (and women) who don’t know what to do with their emotions. We try to stuff them down deep, hide them, pretend they don’t exist, cover them with logic and hard work, but they are there in a very powerful way. We hide them only to realize that they direct so many of our actions. Even worse, the queller is prone to incredible outbursts of emotions often acting shocked, “Where did those come from?!” Under extreme stress emotions boil over into rage and angry explosions.
The queller has been trained in the art of disconnect. We are the superhero’s that are calm powerhouses of intellect and logic within our families of origin that are unraveling by alcohol and dysfunction. Robotic, we move through life seemingly unphased. Our war cry (sorry whisper): “I don’t need people! I don’t need emotional connection!”
When in reality that is what life is ALL about: Connectedness, relationship. Only when I was dropped to my knees by catastrophic circumstances in my own life was I finally forced to lean on my wife and others. And it was extremely painful for me to reach out to others.
Not to Quell:
“…listening to your emotions ushers you into reality and reality is where you meet God”-Peter Scazzero, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality
This is the way of true life: Knowing and embracing the reality of our emotions. The key is to be aware of what I am feeling, being aware of my emotions because otherwise we let our emotions fester and smolder and control us.
How do we listen to our emotions? How do we embrace and welcome our emotions as the window to reality?
We need to learn to get into a rhythm with our emotions. A few ‘tricks’ can be used. The first is called ‘tagging’. Recognize when anger, frustration, and other emotions are starting to boil and ‘tag’ then to discuss and retrieve them at a later time. Develop a pattern or rhythm of checking in with your spouse or close friend to discuss these ‘tagged’ emotions. The other ‘trick’ is to recognize your emotions before they overtake you. Recognize the situations and times when you can start to feel your emotions bubbling over and intervene at that moment. Recognize and analyze why the situation is giving you that emotional response. In time, this approach will allow you to acknowledge your emotions and address them in healthier ways rather than waiting until they sneak up and explode on you and those around you.
Finally, what can I do when my emotions (anger, frustration, etc) start to boil over? Here is the challenge as Teresa Avila said, “…learn to sit in the weeds (of your emotions)…” What is God trying to say to me through this emotion? Why am I feeling this emotion in this situation? What is the emotion saying about me? Emotions are simply a guide. Take a ‘time out’ to listen to God’s whisper, and remember that He is ALWAYS whispering to YOU that He loves and adores and DELIGHTS in YOU!
In this eye opening sermon, Greg Boyd points out that most of us are like the Nazi family in the movie “The Boy in the Striped Pajamas”. We live next door to the concentration camp of poverty, but we are so indebted and deeply set into ‘the system’ that we don’t move to stop it.
Boyd also presents us with incredible data on poverty.
I heard recently that there was an article in USA Today that pointed out the stats on giving/helping/volunteerism between church goers vs. non-church goers.
As I have posted in the past, one of the most common complaints from non-Christians against Christians is: Those Christians are such hypocrites.
This recent article stated (I have not found the exact numbers but the article was quoted as saying this) that 70% of regular church goers give back their time to help others and that they have INCREASED (by 8%) their volunteerism since the economic downturn to help the poor and needy. On the other hand, only 30% or less of non-church goers give back with their charitable time, and this group has DECREASED (by 8%) their volunteerism since the economic downturn. (please leave comment or email us if you know the exact reference)
I agree with the comment posted in Part 1 that these stats need to be taken with a grain of salt, and Christians probably don’t report as openly their bad behaviors. This 3 part series of posts is pointing out that playing the hypocrite card is not entirely fair. A KEY point and pleading would be to not look at the Christian but look at Christ. Don’t let a Christian hypocrite get in the way of your relationship with God.
Here is another very interesting Barna poll. This poll suggests that atheists have different moral values than Christians.
A survey of 1,600 Canadians asked them what were their beliefs about God and what moral values they considered to be “very important.” The results of the survey are shown below:
| Moral Value | Theists | Atheists |
|---|---|---|
| Honesty | 94% | 89% |
| Kindness | 88 | 75 |
| Family life | 88 | 65 |
| Being loved | 86 | 70 |
| Friendship | 85 | 74 |
| Courtesy | 81 | 71 |
| Concern for others | 82 | 63 |
| Forgiveness | 84 | 52 |
| Politeness | 77 | 65 |
| Friendliness | 79 | 66 |
| Patience | 72 | 39 |
| Generosity | 67 | 37 |
Although the differences between theists and atheists in the importance of values such as honesty, politeness, and friendliness are generally small, moral values emphasized by religious beliefs, such as Christianity, including patience, forgiveness, and generosity exhibit major differences in attitudes (30%+ differences between theists and atheists).
What really concerns me is that only half of atheists think that forgiveness is very important. Either these people have not been married or maybe married multiple times, since a lack of forgiveness in a marriage is a sure recipe for disaster. Couple that moral belief with a perception that neither patience nor generosity are very important, and it seems that the divorce rates are likely to go up significantly in the near future.
According to Professor Bibby, Grandma is the “symbolic saintly person in the clan. So valuing Grandma also means valuing many of the things important to her. In successive generations you have a lingering effect of morality. But further down the road generations get further removed from the sources of those values. That’s where it gets tricky.”2
Atheists claim that they are more moral than their Christian counterparts? Our first question may be: Yes, but why? But our second question might be: Is this claim true?
A a random sample of 1003 adults were surveyed in May, 2008 by The Barna Group for their participation in a number of negative behaviors within the previous week. The results showed that there were vast differences in the behaviors of evangelicals compared to agnostics/atheists.
| Sin | Evangelicals | Atheists |
|---|---|---|
| Viewing pornography | 12% | 50% |
| Profanity in public | 16 | 60 |
| Gambling | 2 | ?7 |
| Gossiping | 4 | 34 |
| Sex with non-spouse | 3 | ?7 |
| Retaliation | ?7 | 11 |
| Drunkenness | 0.5 | 33 |
| Lying | 1 | ?7 |
| Average | 6 | 29 |
These results show that atheists/agnostics participate in morally questionable behaviors to a much greater degree than evangelical Christians – an average of nearly five times the frequency! The data calls into question the atheists’ claim that moral choices are deterministic and the people do not have the ability to exercise free will. If human behavior were merely a combination of genes and biochemistry, then beliefs would have no effect on moral choices. Obviously, this is a failed hypothesis, since beliefs do influence behavior. Another study, published in 2008, showed that increasing belief in determinism negatively impacted moral behavior (cheating).8
I have been struck by the power of affirmation and appreciation. I have also been struck by the destructive power of criticism.
Recently I tried to encourage someone to always find the good, always look for the opportunity to compliment and appreciate, and never complain or criticize. Their response was, “But if you only knew that person, if you only knew how difficult they can be, and how much criticism they deserve.”
This response misses the point completely! It was only when I dropped the contempt and criticisms did I start to see the gifts in the other person. It is only when you look for the appreciation will the critical spirit in YOU fade away.
It is NOT about the other person; it is about YOU. It is about healing YOUR image of yourself, the world around you, and others.
Our marriages and relationships would truly be transformed if we followed Carnegie’s first 2 principles always leading with this one.
“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people…the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loathe to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise… in my wide association in life, meeting with many and great people in various parts of the world… I have yet to find a person, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.”-Charles Schwab
“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learned from him.”-Emerson
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Carnegie:
We were in session #3 from a quiet strength a men’s Bible study by Tony Dungy and our question for today is: How is God’s definition of success different from how most people define it?
We looked at five key verses: Psalm 1:1-3; one Samuel 16:7; Micah 6: 6-8; Matthew 22:34-40; acts 1:8; Philippians 1: 21
God’s definition of success is “to live is Christ to die is gain” only when we can die to ourselves can we truly be successful. J. C. Ryle in his book titled Holiness points out what it costs to be a true Christian (to gain true success).
“For one thing, it will cost us our self righteousness. We must cast away all pride and high thoughts and conceit of our own goodness… for another thing it will cost us our sins. We must be willing to give up every habit and practice which is wrong in God’s sight. We and our sin must quarrel, if we and God are to be friends….For another thing, it will cost us our love of ease…we secretly wish we could have a vicarious Christianity, and could be good by proxy, and have everything done for us. Anything that requires exertion and labor is entirely against the grain of our hearts… in the last place, it will cost us the favor of the world… surely a Christian should be willing to give up anything which stands between him and heaven…A religion that costs nothing is worth nothing! A cheap Christianity, without a cross, will prove in the end a useless Christianity, without a crown…”-pg 82-86
“We must seek to have personal intimacy with the Lord Jesus, and to deal with him as a man deals with a loving friend. We must realize what it is to turn to him first in every need, to talk to him about every difficulty, to consult him about every step, to spread before him all our sorrows, to get him to share in our all our joys, to do all as in his site, and to go through every day leaning on and looking to him.”-pg 113
Monte did a GREAT job discussing what quiet strength looks like. Here are some points that we discussed:
It finally happened. They found me. I wasn’t hard to find although I have been missing since I was a little boy. They knew me when I was ‘in my prime’ or so they say. I abandoned them once as I transitioned into a different social group. I was added to their brief email banter just prior to our 20th college reunion.
I am no different than all the rest. Men don’t do relationships well. We lack the gene or we are raised within environments that continue to perpetuate the small talk training, distant/missing father figure woundedness that continues the cycle.
Although my dad and I have been through counseling together (shocking, awkward, and painful–really you should try it) and connected in deeper ways (yes, we even hug, at times!), it still amazes me how quickly we fall into small talk going on and on with the safe, meaningless discussions of the weather as if there is any weather to talk about in Southern California.
My freshman roommate had found my email and folded it into the rest of my dormmates email list to reunite just prior to the reunion. I faded from their lives while I was still in college when I joined a fraternity, and since college, I have faded from my fraternity fellows as well.
Have I learned how to relate. Not much. Do any of us? 2 of my closest friends know when my relationship receptors have maxed out. One of them will even cut our conversation short and say, “I’ll call you later.” (knowing that I have shut down and tuned out). My other friend asks, “Is the turtle’s head out of his shell today or not.” (funny and sad)
Most men really do live alone. Yes we are married with kids, co-workers, and a few buddies, but we are still alone with no one to share our fears and hopes. I can share story after story of men who have told me that they are ‘buddies’ or ‘close friends’ or ‘best friends’ and who are convinced that they know each other well. But with some deeper sharing time, I find that they don’t REALLY know each other at all. This is no fault of their own. It is in our genes and from our environment, our upbringing. We major in the minors of small talk–sports, weather, politics, etc.
If there is anything that I have learned over 20 years, it is simply that I don’t do relationships well.
About 10 years ago, I took a risk and stepped out with my wife and shared with her my final ‘skeleton’ in my closet of secrets, and our marriage has been transformed from good to truly amazing.
About 7 years ago, I took a risk and stepped out with a friend of mine and shared some of my deepest hopes and fears, and he didn’t laugh or run away, and our relationship is now one of those unique, transformational relationships: you can turn to in time of crisis, tell ALL, and share ALL.
About 5 years ago, I took a risk and slowly developed another transformational relationship with another friend.
About 3 years ago, I went to counseling during a crisis time in my life. It was awkward, stressful, but important. I learned a great deal about myself, and how I was ‘trained’ to disconnect, never to show emotions or need to be connected. But in a time of crisis, I found the importance of my wife and my friends–thank God that I had developed those deep, intimate relationships! “Emotions are a window to reality.” At least that is what my counselor told me. I am still working to understand that reality.
Do I know anything about relationships? Not really. But I am so thankful that I took risks. My relationships with my wife and my 2 ‘best friends’ continue to grow—far too slow for them–but for the turtle–they are moving at just the right speed.
Regrets? A few. Learnings? Yes. Hopes? That my friends would take risks, do the hard work, lean into their relationships–in the end–it is ALL that matters, and when the going gets tough (as I have learned it WILL), there is nothing like a friend and a wife who are by your side laughing and crying with you.
Advice. Be more vulnerable, take more sharing risks, take the time to develop your marriage (it is HARD work, and easier to go to work for many of us…but it is worth it–this I DO know.) and find a friend who you can relate to and start to do the tough, awkward work to develop a true relationship.
I am NOT enough! My eyes have FINALLY been open to this reality. Most of us have this ‘wound’ but we just don’t know it. I have written a brief summary of my learnings to help us all to learn from our past so that we may grow spiritually and emotionally in the future:
“Drew, can you be 1st base coach?” How hard could that be? The player’s are only 5 years old so all I had to do was point them in the direction of 2nd base, say, “great job!”, and my job was done. Or was it? My dad came up to me afterwards and said, “You know that you could have coached them more.” How many times has your mom or dad told you that you could have done a better job at something? Well at 35 years of age, my dad’s comment went on deaf ears until I mentioned it in passing to my wife. She thought his comment was significant, and comments such as those can have a lasting impact especially when you are young. When she said this, I shared with her those times when I was young that my dad would critique one of my school projects, and he would insist that I throw it out and start all over.
More recently, I followed my father-in-law’s advice and bought a new barbeque from the exact same store and arranged the details of the delivery just as he instructed me. I proudly mentioned to him that I had left just the right amount of money on top of the old bbq so the delivery man would willingly take it away when he delivered the new bbq. When I showed off my new bbq to my father-in-law, I couldn’t get the propane tank hooked up to the bbq because my new bbq had a different attachment than my old one. My father-in-law said, “Oh, I always have the delivery man make sure and hook up the propane tank to the bbq before they leave to make sure that it works.” Finally, I recently had the pleasure of trying to pass a kidney stone. Not wanting to miss any work, I arranged to have it extracted during my vacation time. In passing, I mentioned to my retired father-in-law that I had only missed 1 day of work in 11 years. He said, “I missed 1 day of work in 30 years.” Have there been times in your life when your mom and dad have ‘zinged’ you (probably not even knowing that they had)?
Our dad’s (sometimes our mom’s) tell us over and over again as we are growing up—You are NOT enough! In so many subtle and not so subtle ways. This is the wound that so many men (and women) carry with them. It creates a fiercely critical spirit, a chip on our shoulders, and abrasive arguments when anyone tries to give us “constructive criticism”. We become our dad. It was only recently that a friend pointed this “I am not enough” wound out to me. It was life changing to begin to process what it meant, how often I responded to my wife and others because of it, and how to learn and grow from it.
There are many practical ways that knowing about this wound has transformed my life. In the past when I would write an article, I would immediately ask my wife to proof read the article for me. When she would quickly use the red marker to slash and destroy what I thought was an almost perfect article, I would respond in a fury. Now I see that I was only responding to my childhood experiences of not being enough. My wife now knowing my wound has taken it upon herself to help heal my wound. When I ask for her to proof read anything that I have written, she will affirm me, put it aside for at least 24 hours, and then she will slash away with her red marker. It is amazing how quickly I become unattached to my work, and then can handle her critiques and edits much better.
My wife and I have an amazing marriage, but we have our share of arguments. To my surprise, most of our arguments revolve around my “not enough” wound. We argue because I feel that she has told me that “I am not enough”. It can be simply because she told me that I loaded the dishwasher the wrong or that I should drive around the block again so my oldest son will be late to a birthday party because he does better when he is not the only kid there. Yes, believe it or not this can set me off because I feel she is critiquing my driving and my favorite mantra that being early is one of life’s valuable secrets.
Two things have occurred since my “wound” was discovered. Our arguments still occur, but they are much shorter and often end in laughter. A less obvious by-product of my discovery stems from my wife’s repeated comment, “Ok already, I got it. You are not enough. When will it stop being about that!” The wound is now so obvious and so prevelant that we both can laugh about it. I have been healed enough through the process to laugh and with my wife’s encouragement to even tell myself, ‘Get over it!’
In this Greg Boyd sermon, he explores God’s judgment & God’s love as well as touching on his controversial concept of God’s knowledge vs. our free will. Listen and let us know what you think.
We had a football quiz to kick off our fall series: Quiet Strength by Tony Dungy (The Bible Study), and then we spent some time talking. Mostly small talk….but we also spoke of the importance of being in a men’s group. Do you ever wonder why? Do you worry about not fitting in? Do you have ‘better’ things to do with your time? I don’t blame you. I understand. I had those thoughts myself, but I took a risk and started to show up and my life has never been the same. The men in my life have rescued me.
We discussed Matthew 14:22-33. Jesus calms the storm. 75% or more of men in America don’t have a friend that they can turn to in a ‘storm’. I am reminded of 2 men who shared with me that they knew each other very well and were close friends, but when we started going deep under the surface, it became clear very quickly that they didn’t truly ‘know’ each other much at all. This is the norm. We walk through life completely alone with the facade of knowing each other.
10 years ago, I jumped out of the boat by sharing with a friend one of my deeply held ‘secrets’, and little by little we continued to grow closer and closer knowing everything about each other, our past, present, and future struggles, fears, and dreams. I have never felt so free, peace filled, and truly alive knowing that there is someone that I can turn to with ALL my fears.
Then the storms came….and I had a friend who was there with me when I was drowning, suffocating, and had no where else to go….he held onto me and kept me from drowning when the waves were crashing over me.
I don’t know any other way to tell you. One day, I decided to just show up to a men’s group even when I really ‘couldn’t’–too busy, bad time of the day, too early, etc. By showing up, my life has been transformed–my marriage, my family, EVERYTHING–I now have friends that know more about me than I know about myself. Join us! AND bring a friend along for the adventure of a lifetime.
The storms will come. Who will be there for you? How will you survive?
“But what if your heart be right with God, and yet you are pressed down with a load of earthly trouble? What if the fear of poverty is tossing you to and fro, and seems likely to overwhelm you? What if pain of body be racking you to distraction day after day? What if you are suddenly laid aside from active usefulness and compelled by infirmity to sit still and do nothing? What if death has come into your home, and taken away your Rachel or Joseph or Benjamin and left you alone, crushed to the ground with sorrow? What if all this has happened? Still there is comfort in Christ. He can speak peace to wounded hearts as easily as calm troubled seas. He can rebuke rebellious wills as powerfully as raging winds. He can make storms of sorrow abate, and silence tumultuous passions, as surely as He stopped the Galilean storm. He can say to the heaviest anxiety, “Peace, be still!” The floods of care and tribulation may be mighty, but Jesus sits upon the waterfloods, and is mightier than the waves of the sea (Ps. 93:4). The winds of trouble may howl fiercely round you, but Jesus holds them in His hand, and can stay them when He lists. Oh, if any reader of this message is broken-hearted and care-worn and sorrowful, let him go to Jesus Christ, and cry to Him and he shall be refreshed. “Come unto Me,” He says, “all you that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matt. 11:28).”-excerpt from Holiness by J.C. Ryle
Join my 2 friends as they describe to us how to delete from our mind’s data banks all the garbage of the world: stress, anxiety, worry over finances, relationships, health etc. by uploading the path to REAL Life.
This is a powerful sermon by Greg Boyd about the Messianic prophecy regarding Christ being the cornerstone. He points out the emptiness, void, and nothingness that we have without Him. Without Christ, we try to fill the void and despair of our meaningless existence by so many fleeting and worthless endeavors.